happiness is so elusive

Every moment I waste
wanting nothing but to cry
to just let out all the hurt
turn away
say goodbye

life never feels worth it
only one reason to live
they’re taking everything
when i have nothing left to give

don’t want anything
don’t need anything
there’s never enough i can do
I thought the rules were love them
and you will be loved too

happiness is so elusive
a dream trapped inside itself
you see it
never will you feel it
until you look inside ones self

all you need.

she surrounds herself in a misery no one else can see
lost herself to this world of cruel reality
what is this life she lives?
who is this girl that has nothing left to give?
where’d the hope go.
how did she lose her soul.

Looking for the hope
the rope to hold onto
trying to find some way to cope
running from herself
dreams what can possibly be left?

Caught in a cobweb
of everything they want her to be
thinking she’s going her own way
but she just follows where they lead
lost inside herself
drowned in confusion
what does this heart want?

they say they need her
they say they care
all she feels is used
abandoned
bruised

Her dreams are all behind her
she left them to give you yours
she’s scared and weak and so confused
but you don’t see her
even though she’s given you a million clues

she’s in a place you don’t want to go
crying out running in place
hiding cause to you
she’s nothing but a disgrace

hold on to what’s broken
make strong what’s slowly going
forget the pain, the tears, the not knowing

i’m all you need.
all you need.
hold onto me.
cause for your soul...i’m dying.

to the parents.

you ask me to think for myself
yet when  do i disappoint you

you say you want to be a part of my life
then you leave me in my room alone with my thoughts.

never asking if i’m ok
so how am i supposed to know you care?

you say you’ll ALWAYS be there
so why do I feel as if i’m the only one here?

i love you
i need you
thought for so long i couldn’t live without you

now i see that I’m drowning in your control
I can’t learn to think for myself
when your a constant in my mind.

just need you to let go
to loosen your grip
hand over some of the control

you’ve taught me well
you’ve given me wisdom
so now is the time to sit back
watch the vision

i may lose my focus
i could get lost in the way of man
i could stumble
but know i’ll always reach for His hand

let me make mistakes
you can’t prevent them all
let me find my way
even if that means watching me stumble and fall

cause i’m finding i can’t live this way
i’m no longer a child
and now it’s time for me to go my own way

a driving need to be free
to break away
to be who i am
find the real “me”

i’m not saying i don’t need you
i know i do
i need your support
to know your behind me no matter what  do
will you be there?

it’s a journey i have to take
don’t hold me back
don’t make it worse

i’ll be ok
i promise
and hopefully one day...
you’ll be proud of what i know i can be

to the parents.
this is all new to me.
i’m taking baby steps
just let me go and watch me.

forgotten destiny

feel hot tears roll off my lashes
this feeling never passes

there are no regrets
but my mind is not set
on what it wants to do.

heart pounds, jumps, races
think of the most solace places
i want to fly away too

the easiest is never right
the hardest is strongly felt
the right feels painfully damaging
and wrong is just too tempting

mind so trapped in every thought
can’t speak
won’t speak
you wouldn’t understand
it’s just wasted in your hands

look at this shell you call me
don’t recognize
because there’s a lostness behind her eyes

what is destiny what is fate
when it is all controlled?

twisted
distorted
obscured

never where i wanted to be
nowhere close to what I dreamed

wretched wonderer
you’ve traveled too far
to find out
you never left who you are

ghosts of your past
haunt your future
kill them kill them kill them
or they’ll be with you forever

run away
problems follow anyway
turn around
stand your ground
and fight

will it not be fine?
will it not all be right?

fear, a friend
pain, a sister
death, a lover

given all away
never having held much back
how to continue forward
to never look behind
to never again wonder or ask of yourself why?

to knowingly break, tear, shatter two hearts apart.
to resume the life of the living
yet not know what to live for

where does the bad, the painful, the hatred, lostness and fear end?
will there ever be good?
does it not get better than this?

i ponder if it is all simply a life lived of our own choosing
or is life merely providential?
do the choices we make truly determine our path?
or is this our path of fate?

does he bring us where we are to go?
or does he take the poor choices and make them his own?

never telling you how complicated life will be
no you must first grow up
then be slapped with reality

confused with the question of which door to go through
how does one know, if none are locked
then which one is meant for you to go through?

seen as failing
disappointment etched into their faces
a cause to hide your pain
hatred this world readily embraces

change the world to see
that if once more they opened blind eyes to see
a place of hope and beauty
then maybe
just maybe
I can be free.

to live my long lost & forgotten destiny.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

lost
in a world that swallowed me
broken
by people I always thought loved me
here
in a place i’ve never been
there
where I want to be but just can’t reach


do you see how I try
hear me in the night when the tears won’t stop
and my heart it dies

i wish you would care enough to let it go
you say you care
but your love has never showed

i can’t show you what’s inside
bruised broken bloody
everything i tried to hide
it’s all locked away now
in a lifeless person it resides

hurt
by twisted words and broken promises
confused
by choices decisions you’re making me decide
burdened
by the weight of love that will never be
displaced
because you’ve made me a stranger to my own family

i ask how much lower can I be
you laugh in my face and say if this is low
then you just wait
you can make it worse for me

i’m confounded
by what my head and my heart are saying
they won’t come together
they won’t change their ways
so which do I believe
which one goes and which stays?

i’m ready to give up this life
what’s the point
when it’s filled with grief and strife
I can’t move on and I can’t go back
so there’s only really one choice for me
to live without anyone anything
to give up
give it all
everything

you lost me
you broke me
you hurt me

you burdened me
you confused me
you forgot me

you’ve driven a world between us

hope your happy now

save me.

all i know is that I can’t see

my mind is full

my heart’s not free

i wondered far away

and I don’t know how to get back

where am i? 

who am i? 

i can’t hear

there’s too many voices in my head

too many things not left unsaid

i just want to hear you

to know that your still there

to feel you in my life 

everything screams for you to give me a reason

send me your sign

i’m a sad excuse for human

i’ve fallen and drifted behind

i don’t want to do this anymore 

i can’t take the pain of hurting everyone around me

turning into something that was never meant to be

i’m broken...bleeding...dying.

wou hear my whispers in the darkness

you see the tears that are always ready to fall

i just want to be free from this

free from it all

from the mess of my life...the mess i’ve made of it all

save me.

you push.

you push and push
always pushing
never holding back
you push and push
until it’s a little too late

you’ve driven me over the edge
to a place I never wanted to be
now i’m forgotten
in a place where no man should be

you love me
though your only human
you fight for me
though we’re only flesh

I beg you to stop
I beg you to let go
can’t you see
you just keep pushing
pushing pushing
pushing yourself away from me

you give me all your words
you fill my brain with human opinions
you don’t give me a second to breathe
you won’t just let me fall

do you not see it’s not me that’s faltering
cause I know who’s going to catch me
your scared to let go
cause you can’t help but want the control

instead your hurting me
your pushing pushing
always pushing
never holding back
pushing yourself away from me.

you push and push
until it’s too late.

you pushed
and now i’m gone
you pushed when you were trying so hard to hold on
now this girl is gone.

run.

looking back
pouring over years gone by
regret in what your seeing
hurt filling your very being

you ask why
cause you didn’t see this as a game
no, cause this is your life
and there has to be someone to blame

start to run
turn your back on what hurts you
run away
start anew with life that loves you

reminiscing only brings back the pain
all the time you lost
all the scars you gained

your done with the past
look ahead to your future
quit crying for what can’t be
and start again inside a new me

just run away
far far far away
and don’t you dare look back
cause the past cannot be changed

future always rearranged

tomorrow is dangling before your eyes
a ray of hope in your hand
grasp the fullness of what this is
hold tight to the life line
it’s stronger than you think

the stars dance in your eyes again
life runs through your veins like a runaway train
don’t let it stop
keep moving

just run away
let the pull take you with it
don’t be scared
just run just run
run far far far away

find your peace in tomorrow
capture desire out of the sorrow

run run run
until you realize.....

these eyes hold laughter instead of sorrow.

take me there.

with the heaviest heart
i think of things
nearer and farther that burden my heart

in pure desolation
i lay everything out on the table
to be put under scrutiny

it can build me up
or it can break me
but either way it can’t take from me
what has been there all along

tears never fall freely
they are forbidden in this world
don’t show that you care
break others
dissolve who you are
till there’s nothing left

will it be worth it
will we regret every day passed
when we fade into the gray
when judgement comes upon me and you?

can we look upon these movies and say we lived it black and white
will we know who we were
did we follow the others
or make our own way?

I just want something new
longing for a realness
a love in its purest form
a reality that doesn’t believe its own lie

heavy heart you hold the key
see you have compassion
something this world has failed to keep

just ready to move on
go to a place thats safe
where i won’t doubt what’s real
where lies aren’t contorted to look beautiful
where truth is the core of existence

we long for such a place
such a peace 
a heart begs for a way to be taken there
even if that would mean passing on to a place beyond this life

you can’t help but want it
you know nothing except that you need it

i have a heavy heart that diligently seeks peace
that more than anything is searching for a place of sweet release

take me there

the day to day

going through the day to day

trying to concentrate 

to listen

to pray

trying not to think of you

cause each memory each thought 

my heart will try to betray 

each day it gets harder 

each day i think of you more 

each day its a struggle 

to remember your words and your promise
to never close this door

yes, you can know whats best for you

it doesn’t feel that way when it’s killing you

can’t focus 

can’t breathe 

i need you to be my relief 

yet that is too much to ask of you

i know there is only one who can take the burdens of this life

only one who can take you away and bring you back to me brand new. 

so i’m doing this for me and for you

that i may be what you need 

what you want

what pushes you

and follows after you

what strengthens 

and supplies

this is honesty 

just look in my eyes.

so i’m doing this for you and for me

that you will become everything God set out for you to be

that you would gain knowledge like never before

look to and lean on Him as your rock....your guiding star

that you would trust whole heartedly in who He is and what He says.

and never lose sight of what the true love really is. 

I pray that you would have new understanding 

a heart that is full to the brim and ever expanding. 

i love you deeply with this heart. 

I pray that through these days, weeks, maybe months apart

that God would grow our love for each other, affirm it, renew it

and that from it we’ll never depart. 

so i run.

so much
so much 


if I could spill it all out to you
would it be too much
too much


life is so strange when your walking through
no one sees the world through my eyes like you


rearrange
sort my thoughts
you always see right through




So i run
yes, I run
I’ll always run to you

l o v e

what is love you ask me.

honestly i don’t really know. 

i think i have an idea of what it means though. 

or at least I hope I do. 

so let me tell you my idea of love.

love is unconditional.

it’s sticking with someone no matter what. no matter what they’ve done or who they’ve become. 

love is seeing past a persons flaws and caring for them anyway.

love is when you know you would die for a person. 

love hurts when someone walks out of your life.

love cuts like a blade when you know you’ve hurt someone you care for. 

love is always honest...even when it hurts to be. 

love knows what is best for you.

love stands by a person in their darkest hour. 

love is in your actions.

love is in the way you think. 

love never gives up. 

love cares for others than for self.

love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have. 

love doesn’t focus on itself. 

love isn’t forceful. 

love doesn’t take note of every wrong someone does. 

love takes pleasure in truth. 

love puts up with anything and everything. 

love trusts God always. 

love always always looks for the best in a person. 

love never looks back. 

love keeps going infinitely. 

love NEVER dies. 

God is the epitome of love.

love is who He is. 

what greater love do we have than Him who would send His most precious son into a world as an infant to live and die for us? 

in the Bible it says “go after a life of love as if your depended on it. because it does.”

we depend on love.

thrive on love. 

breathe and drink in love. 

we all desire to love and be loved. 

this is what love is to me. this is deep love. this is passionate love. this is what i hope i show to people everyday. this is what i hope is seen as my creator flows out of me. this is what i live for and will die for. i don’t know if i will ever truly know what love is...but i hope i’m pretty close. my heart cry is to be just a fraction of what Jesus was to this world and if i’ve done that....then I know my life will have not been in vain.

Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7

goodbye

holding my head up high
with every breath i take i'm trying not to cry
you can't see the smile on my face
because it's just another thing i misplaced

trying so very hard not to cry
i thought i was a big girl
so now why can't i say goodbye

i never understood how loving you could hurt so deeply
until you said goodnight...

I’m trying. trying.

I’m tired.
Worn out, stressed.
Cause right now, things aren’t going the best.

I’m falling, tripping stumbling,
through a life of lies that’s slowly crumbling.
trying my best to please them
yet inside i’m dying to just breath in.

Losing it.
to something I never wanted.
I love deeply.
so that I always feel it when they leave me.
Hurting myself...the only way to see if I’m still alive.

why do I do this.
why can’t I just give up on them
just live a lie
at night I lay here to cry.

I can’t stop loving.
can’t stop caring.
I wish you knew that.

I wish you could see that inside i’m dying
cause it hurts me to see you crying.
I just want to live without lying.
look deep. I’m trying. trying.

the hardest thing is to let go.
to give you away.
to move on.
let love come again your way.

I’m frickin tired.

I’m tired.

I’m frickin tired.

worn.

stressed.

upset.

I just don’t understand some things.

like.....why God isn’t enough for us?? especially when He’s promised to be more than enough.

I don’t understand how we can trust every other human on this earth, and what they have to say, and not trust the God  who created us or His word.

I don’t understand how we can call ourselves followers of the creator...when we in truth have no idea most of the time what the Bible says or even believe it to be true.

It makes me upset that we get so upset with others over petty things that shouldn’t matter, when what we should be doing is showing the love of our maker, being like him, loving every person no matter what they’ve done or do. Cause we’re still human, we still make mistakes just like everyone else. I hate that for one second I’ve ever thought I was better than anyone else. I’m not.

It’s completely stupid how we are so quick to point fingers at what everyone else does wrong...but are the last to admit the faults in our own lives.

I’m so tired. So tired of forgetting that God is the only thing that I need. So tired of putting Him last in my life.

I’m so tired of living for other people. Pleasing them and making them happy, while i’m making myself miserable.

I’m tired of trying to make everyone happy and making sure that their every dream comes true...and forgetting about my own dreams.

I’m tired of people looking at me and putting me in a box of what they think I am. If only you knew.

I’m just ready to live life. Ready to live for myself. Don’t get me wrong I want to live for God...that’s a huge priority in my life. But I know that in order to do that I have to love myself. I have to put the focus back on what I’m supposed to do and be.

I just want to enjoy life while I can.

To love without compromising who I am and what I want in life.

I’m  done with living for everyone else. Done with pleasing everyone else. That life makes me miserable. I just want it to be me and God and no one else. I don’t need anything else.

I have a lot more to say, but i’m tired and I can’t think straight. I’m losing my train of thought. more to come soon.

where do we go from here?

it’s just begun
and already i can see the end in sight
we both knew it couldn’t last
instead we chose to continue
and look past

it’s been ending since the start
falling to pieces all around us
you know it is
i know it is
yet we continue on

we’re dragging our hearts through the mud
hurting ourselves
more than each other

i love you
you know i do
but this isn’t meant to be
i don’t know if your love will ever be enough for me

there’s so many things wrong with us
so many obstacles
so many dreams that are different

we’re going different ways
all i want is for you to stay
it’s only my selfishness telling me to never let you go

i don’t know what to do
i know your happy
but i’m not
I know this is what you’ve always wanted
but i’m not sure what i really want anymore

i have so many unanswered questions
you have too many mysteries

so what do we do?
where do we go from here?

my destinee

your a beautiful one to me
always bright eyed
always free

your magical mystery to me
your eyes tell stories
smile hides your  secrets

your deeper than the sea
twisting words into something we couldn’t see
making melodey with life
oh that we could all be
something. something. a part of this beauty

your to be feared
for your wisdom is beyond all our years
thoughts aren’t what you think
they’re who you are

you are the closest thing to me
kindred spirit
piece of my heart
the pain i do feel
every moment we’re apart

your my destinee
i can’t change you
can’t move you
your set in your ways

your the light in such a dark place
a memory of distinct beauty and grace

you are the love of my heart
words can’t give meaning to all that you are
you mean more to me than you’ll ever know

your my sister
best friend
lover
your part of me

I love you......my destinee

this is growing up

I never thought it would be this hard
leaving would be just another way i’d be free
but I see the love in your eyes when you look at me
I know there’s pain there cause your trying to let go
i’m feeling that same pain

so this is it, here i go
this is growing up, leaving home
this is knowing real pain
knowing life is more than dancing in the rain

how do you separate something whole
how do you leave behind your world
become your own person
they make it seem so easy
but really this is a whole new life for me

where did my childhood go
how did I become this person
this woman
no one can prepare you for this
you have wings to fly
yet, your so scared to try

i press on for all that’s ahead of me
trying not to look back
but still keep it all with me
this is growing up

tell myself to forget.

mind churning things out at a million miles a second
no time to sleep
I can barely remember to breathe
waves of emotion passing over
again and again
yet I can’t feel them

I tell myself to forget
to be numb
don’t remember
don’t feel

If I stop for even a second
it will all crash down around me
everything will fall to pieces
flood gates will pour out like tidal waves

so I keep everything locked up tight
I have to be strong
have to at least pretend like i belong
like there is never anything wrong

my facade is cracking though
slowly this foundation is moving from beneath me
i can’t keep it in
i can’t hold it all together

with each breath it tears me apart inside
with each smile
something falters

i’m scared to let it all go
to just break down
and lose all i know

what if i push you away
when all i really wanted was for you to stay
what if i’m too much
or too little
then it will all be too late

i would have spilled my heart onto broken ground
watching myself slowly drown

I can’t do that
but I know I will
cause my heart isn’t for me
it’s for every person I was ever around

I try to give so much
and take very little
yet it’s catching up with me
i didn’t know I needed love to love me

in this hallucination.

what do i do
when i feel like i’m losing it all
when i’ve learned of your lies
and am quietly hurting from it all

what can i do
when i’m hurt and needing someone too
when i’m needing you
but your too wrapped up in listening to your own woes

what is there to do
when tears refuse to fall
when my heart is broken,
but i’m too numb to feel anything at all

you unravel me
when my hearts a tangled mess
see the depth of me
ocean waves waiting to crash
hear my my silent screams
feel each pain life brings
see me
see me
see me
in this hallucination
i’m not just another mirage
see me
invisible to your naked eye
look through tinted glasses
and give it another try

what have i to do
when truth is wrapped in lies
when i see fear behind your eyes
I love you still, but i’m set in my will
and I let you go

knowledge and wisdom??......(what i think)

you can have knowledge without understanding
what is faith if you have to see to believe

it’s good to have wisdom
not when it costs you a relationship with the One that matters

yes, people are doing horrid things to us and the world we live in
you can’t stop it though
no, there is nothing you can do

except

trust in Him who made it all
know that it’s all in His hands
that it’s out of our control, but it’s completely in His

we have knowledge
we have wisdom
we have freedom
we have power
we have other gods
we believe we can be God

do you think He doesn’t see this
do you think He’s tolerating it

we have so much freedom
it’s hurting us
like adam and eve in the garden
we want everything forbidden
always longing for a knowledge that is too much for us

this world has come to nothing but evil
we know there is something more
how could we forget Him who made us

born sinners
we choose stay that way
turn a blind eye to every truth
harden our hearts against anything true and pure

we search the world over for what we’re looking for
yet, we can’t find it
because we are so blinded with lies
so filled with sin

HE gave us a way out

don’t you see
it’s all out of control
the world is out of control
there is NOTHING that we can do

HE IS THE IMPOSSIBLE

nothing is ever impossible with HIM

so why do we worry
why do we curse each other
why can’t we look to Him for help
is it our own selfish pride

do you honestly think that HE can’t get us out of this mess
He created this earth so why wouldn’t he be able to fix what’s wrong with it
what’s wrong with us

it’s the matter of faith and trust
such little things that can have such an impact on everything
a mustard seed that can move mountains

ok yes, i do agree that we’ve dumbed ourselves down
we have wisdom in everything, but what really matters
constantly seeking answers to everything, yet we still don’t know what we believe

we fill ourselves with a knowledge that is dead
the only knowledge we need is what is right in front of our faces

it’s HIM
HE is all we need

He asks us to ask HIM for wisdom and knowledge and He will give it to us
so we don’t need to search
we can stop looking for it
He gives it to us
all we have to do is ask
trust
believe

He’ll give it to us

to shambles

to shambles
that’s where this is all going
i know the direction
but i’m slowly losing it

i see what i want
it’s running away from me
this is all going down hills
this is nothing of what i dreamed

reality is a cruel friend
it slaps you in the face
every time you fall asleep

i’m running
trying to keep up
i’m stumbling
falling fast
please help me up
i know i can make it

it’s slipping through these hands
i’m fumbling to grasp something
anything
just wanting to hold on to a thread of hope
please be something left for me

you know the plans
somehow i fear they’re not good enough
prosperity plans??
yet my future feels like desert at heart

don’t abandon me yet
please just take me home
all i ever hoped for
everything I dreamed
it’s in your hands now

these tears aren’t what they seam
the hurt is not from pain
it’s dreaming with my eyes closed
never seeing the pouring rain

i still believe there’s hope
i know there’s still a god
rescue me from myself
leave the rest to shambles

see me

one minute i can be so happy
it only takes seconds though for you to cut me down

your breaking me slowly
i’m questioning my worth

darkness fills the spaces
of places we once knew

lost and alone
nobody’s here
no ones at home

crying in the depths of a sad dream
waking to the reality of never having slept

cold and stuffed in a corner
begging for a glance
hoping
praying
for our eyes to meet

persistent deep longing within a soul
holding on so tight to something
afraid to let go

see me in this darkness
be the light that takes me away

make me into what you wanted
be the one i can’t push from me
away

darkness closes in so fast
be the one that saves me

watch it ticking
every grain that falls
keep your eye on the hour glass

don’t wait too long

i’m here

i’ve been waiting

please.....just see me

.....

i'm at my end
i'm sinking low
i'm losing touch
i'm letting go

i can't hold this in
i won't let this be
i'm jumping now
because i need to be free

i give my all
every last piece
just to be run over
cause your love you won't release

for a while i take it
for a little longer I live with it
the hurt builds and builds
until I can't take it anymore

i explode

you see
i was made to be loved too
i have feelings
a heart
just like you

love is like air to me
without it
i'm a tragedy

maybe i'm better off alone
i'll love and live for myself
maybe i'll disappear
and escape from life itself

all i ever wanted

all i saw in my dreams

all i know now

is that love is all i've needed

love is what created us 

and love never fades

people.

People don't see anymore, nor do they care to.
We all walk around in our own worlds without a thought or care for anyone else.
We are a people that have become...
Unfeeling
Dissatisfied
Complacent
Self centered

People are hurting.
They are hurting so much, but they keep it to them selves.
No one wants to be bothered with someone else's pain.
We all have more than enough pain to go around.

If only we could stop hiding what we feel.
If only we could all open up again and let love back in.
If we could show love, be love, live love, then maybe this world wouldn't hurt so much.
If we could all take a hint from the One who is love...
This world wouldn't suffer so.

PEOPLE LOOK UP!!
PEOPLE WAKE UP!!
Open your eyes to what is around you!
Take the focus off of this life and let's look into the next.
That is the only life that truly matters.
Yet, it's what we do in this life...
What we decide in this life...
How we live out this life...
That rings into eternity.

This isn't about us...
It's about the One who is.
The One who set everything in motion that first day.
This is about a Lover.
A Lover of people...of man.

People...
You search and you search for what is right in front of you.
Your looking for something that's never been lost.
Open your eyes...
People turn your heads up above.
This is the light...
You have lived so long in darkness that now you don't recognize it.
You can't tell truth from deception.
Right from wrong.

People...
Don't you see this is the hope.
This is the freedom that is ours.
Take it.
Embrace it.
Share it.

When you finally wake up from the spell this world has on you..
Then you'll see.
He is the One.
He is Love.
He is what we need.
What we want.
More than we could ever hope for.

Let's stop looking down.
Stop seeing only ourselves.
Let's take a long hard look at at Him, because He is Love.
Take notes.
Study hard.
Let's model our lives after His.

Only then will change truly come.
Only then will a difference be made.
The outpour of this life floods into the next.
This is only the beginning...
In the end there is so much more.

So People...

Please...

Wake up...

what i need

when life shatters
and everything comes tumbling down
when everything you once knew
is nowhere to be found
that's when you hold me

when i'm broken
in pieces to small to be found
and i'm dying inside
love is not around
you breathe life in me

when words don't speak
i'm too lost
in the moment
when things are dire and bleak
your words whisper to me

it's all i can do
to love you
to believe in you
there's nothing i can say
to make you leave
or drive you away

you are what i need

this is the beauty of living.

I love the beauty of watching life unfold
seeing a world of gray fade away
into vibrant colors of a beautiful day

watching the clouds sprinkle down their love
and the pavement glisten in response to them
hearing the birds sing as they bathe in the dew

the smell of the earth mixed with the wind
tells us summer is here
sounds of laughter from children echo in backyards

trees swaying in rhythm of the world
flowers reaching praising the One up above
sparrows sing there songs in wondrous adoration

this is the beauty of living
walking through woods and fields
and listening for your voice in the wind..
seeing your smile in the sunshine rays
seeing your heart in everything you've made

things in this planet earth bring me such joy
make me stand in aw of life's Maker
how amazing heaven must be...

....I didn't fight for you

i'm broken lying shattered on the floor

this burden so heavy

i can't take it anymore

i can only imagine the pain you've been through

everything i thought was just the drama of being you

really it was so much more

you've been bruised, hurt, broken

why wasn't i there before

i carry this pain for you in my heart

as if it was my own

the guilt i feel is so deep

so unrelenting 

i wasn't there for you 

my word i didn't keep

i didn't fight for you

i didn't even try to

i left you all alone 

thinking that you could fight your own battles

selfishly looking only after myself

what I would do to have taken your place

to have been the strong one when you were weak

what i would do to go back and change the past for you

tears flood my heart for you

pain plagues my soul constantly 

such a cruel evil world we live in

people filled with hatred 

inflicting innocents with their cruelty and sin

if i could take every pain for you

if i could only live through what you've been through

if i could carry this weight for you

if I could erase the past and make you new 

but i can't

i can't stop the hurt

can't save you from what is in this world

I can't protect you even though if i could i would

i'm sorry dear one

so very very sorry

i've failed you like never before

i've broken the promise 

and everything i should have stood for

i'm sorry

i'm so so sorry 

the state of my heart

it's ripped open wide

bleeding broken bloodied shattered torn

i'm drowning in these tears

i can't fix it

this is your reality

what you've been drowning in for years

i'm sorry....

i'm sorry....

i'm so sorry...

i should have been there.

it should have been me.

guilt and pain are now what plague me.

longing....

so small in comparison to all that you are
my feeble attempts to put to words
the hands that hold who we are

i am nothing
still you come and make me something
always trying to go my own way
your gentle hand guides me and will always stay

lost in the deepness of a brighter star
emotions rolling out of me
cause I don't deserve to know who you are

burning passion in my heart
could only come from who made it start
to know of the man called love
my heart cries because i cannot contain it

you hear each word uttered in desolation
see every bruise from lies confusion
hold the one who is begging for more
not even the sparrow will you ignore

holding onto you
all that you've made new
watching it all fall away
i want you to guide my steps every day

desperate to know you
hungry for more than they can offer
tired of fighting myself
i'm taking your love off the bookshelf

doubt

how it consumes you

stops you from doing what you want to

how it stalks your every thought

you can't think

you can't function

because it eats at you

it tells you your no good

you can't do anything

you'll never be good enough

it makes you second guess everything 

until your so exhausted you do nothing

it lets fear overtake you

till your a cripple with no purpose 

it steals time away from you

makes you look back and regret 

it makes your future look dire 

and your heart feel so glum

it can ruin your life

it changes who you are 

and limits what you do

you question reality 

you live in disbelief 

it's self inflicted misery

you hesitate 

it makes you think what if 

or if only

i'm at my end

i've had more than enough

I need to live without you now 

and learn to trust without fear 

you are my enemy 

though like a friend you appeared

so I'm leaving you here 

goodbye doubt

what the future holds

what the future holds
no one knows
where do the years go
people we've outgrown
tomorrows fears

lost in an uproar
losing my heart
grasping the darkness
eyes searching for light
too tired
to weary to put up a fight

whispers in silence
burn of the cold
my heart is telling me one thing
my mind is starting to fold

remembering the lost days
returning to what I know
people all around me
tears begging just flow

stuttering through life
searching for what's right
what's true
where is the light

who is there to believe
what can you possibly trust
it's not enough to have wisdom

sit in your sorrows
drown in broken promises
take all the empty tomorrows

consider your hopes and dreams
think of it all
you know what this means

losing all
or gaining everything
not broken from the fall
never waiting for the call

say what you may
think as you will
this is what I am
and in the end
i choose this still

life takes chances
love jumps in
this is the part we find out
if it's sink or swim

departing from what was
learning it's the past
life is  fleeting
just watch the hour glass

battling promise
fighting loves dream
don't belittle me
it is more than it seems

holding on
thread of hope
life so promising
love very real

it's remembering
your heart
pieces lost
fight for them
remain together at all costs

i've found you

I've found you
and you weren't what I expected
cause your so much more
your my love
the only one I adore

the way I feel for you
words just can't express
you are more then wonderful
your my angel
and because of you they call me blessed

my heart you've taken
though yours i stole
you have my love
your my world
my all

at first I couldn't see
how much you mean to me
God's showing me everyday
that you are meant for me in every way

I will never stop loving you
And I promise i'll always try to be there
even when things get hard
i'll always stand right here

Love is such a funny thing
it changes you
you never know what it will bring
until it comes and changes everything

So spend the rest of forever with me
let's journey together
on every uncharted sea
everything will fall into place
just you wait and see

Tonight is Mine

Sitting under the wide open sky
Constellations tell their stories
Planes glide through the night as they fly by
On a journey somewhere far

I sit and ponder what it would be like
If you were here with me
Would you lay under the dark blue and hold me in your arms
As you tell the secrets of the stars
While the moon bathes us in it's glory

I would hang the moon and catch every falling star
Always wondering where you are
Now I've found you and the distance
Is so far

Moon so bright tonight
Stars twinkle their sweet melody to us
A lullaby that makes everything alright

Look up at this grand ocean of blue
Lay down
Let it sing to you
And know i'm looking there too
And thinking of you

We are together in heart
Under a sky that reaches
Though we are worlds apart
We are connected by the stars

Tonight is mine
As i dream of you
When i look up at the sky
As I think of their stories

I love you

Goodnight

Is this what love is

Is this what it does to you
Does it mess you up and turn you around
Does it pick you up and make you feel like your flying
Even when your feet are on the ground
Does it take over your mind until he's all you can think about

Is this what love is.....
Is this what it feels like...
Cause I want this to be forever
I don't want this to end love, not ever


Do you start seeing things through rose tinted glasses
Do you fall asleep and pray it's not just a dream that passes
Does it make life all the more worth living for
Or is this really something more


Is this what love is.....
Is this what it feels like...
Is it in the promise of forever
Is it saying I won't let you fall, not ever


Love is unfailing 
It's a journey worth taking
Sometimes it means hurting or breaking 


Love is giving of yourself
Even when others just put your heart on a shelf
It's taking the time when your life is going crazy 
and your feeling a little lazy


I'm starting to know what love is.....
I'm feeling what it's like....
It isn't something easy
but it's something that lasts forever


So tell me what love is like.....
Show me how it feels....
Tell me that we'll be together
And that no matter what we'll have each other

we'll see you soon

tears well up in my eyes
feelings i can't even try to hide

one moment your overjoyed
the next your dying inside

life is such a fragile thing

How can this happen

Life goes on
but your heart will still refuse

a hurt so deep

little baby rest in the arms of our Father
He knows His plan for us

knowing we'll be again together one day
is what keeps me going

remember you I always will
even when it hurts to still

I love you though your face i never knew
I can't wait till the day
when again He'll bring us back to you

I love you little Gabriel Xavier....

we'll see you soon


He heals the broken hearted, binding up their wounds Psalms 147:3
Blessed are they that mourn for they shall be comforted Matthew 5:4

Crashing down

It's all quickly falling apart
the threads have frayed until they've come undone
the mountain is slowly crumbling with a start
Falling and fading along with the sun

Crashing down
like the walls in in that story
pouring out like the heavens flooded
it's all falling upon me
drowning me

Everything I once knew
destroyed before my very eyes
and it was all because of your lies

raising my voice in a battle cry
this was a fight for everything that was right
Losing it all
Job tell me how did you do it
this isn't right

breaking apart
glass shattered on the floor
deceiving ruins everything
if i were you i'd run for the door

WOrld spinning sideways
fire burning in the night
remembering the bright days
now it's all gone along with the light

With words you will deceive
the damage you do will never be gone
you will wish one day
your forgiveness they'll receive

 

things i love

my sisters giggling while playing outside

sunshiny days spent outside

camping

blasting my music sining at the top of my lungs and dancing like crazy (no wonder they think i'm insane)

throwing a football around with my daddy

tackling marcus

taking pictures with michael

michael helping me put make up on

vibrant colors of spring and summer

BBQ with family and friends

staying outside till the wee hours of the morning

that one time me and dani snuck out of the house to lay in the middle of the road and see the eclipse

hanging up Christmas lights

the ridiculous things my mom says

the quiet

Taking pictures on a beautiful day (it's so inspiring)

watching home videos and remembering how we used to be

Changing

remembering the forgotten (9/11 victims, slaves in sudan, orphans, homeless, aborted babies)

crying because something moves you so much

feeling every emotion of a song

taking moments to think deeply about things

racing across an open field

holding a newborn baby

Playing with puppies

Hugging people(because they need it, but i need it more)

making an amazing dessert just because and eating it before dinner

LAUGHTER......it's the greatest sound i've ever heard

this guy named andrew.... :)

watching the sunrise over the ocean...

and even better watching the moon rise over the ocean and seeing it's reflection

being held

loving people with everything in me

driving my car around with the windows down and music blasting

road trips

painting!

doing things i never thought i would do

trying new things

giving things to people

MUSIC..... <3 it moves me.

loving you.

doing things i don't think i'm capable of

(MORE WILL BE ADDED LATER)

i'll wait here for you

I took two days to pray about this

I asked God if this was right 

And if it wasn't that He'd take this away

That if it came to it....that'd He would take you away

The hardest thing I've ever done

I spoke with you last night 

There were so many things I wanted to ask you

So many questions going through my head

I remained silent though

then came a time when you asked me to listen to you 

And the things you said...

they left me speechless

God had right then and there answered my prayers

I was so shocked I almost cried

I love you so much

You are more to me than you'll ever know

I'll wait here for you 

You have no idea how happy you've made me 

Indeed, I do think I am the happiest girl alive

I can't wait till the day we can be together 

I can't even say anymore

Just thinking about it all over again 

leaves me undone

I love you

we don't know what the future will bring

It doesn't matter though as long as we are trusting Him

It will all work out

You'll see

Agghhhh

 

I love you 

i love you 

i love you

Ok i'm done now :)

this is

i've drained myself emotionally
often at night crying myself to sleep
never knowing why i'm this way
always praying happiness will come with the light of day

seeing myself so different so vain
if you looked inside you'd see the pain
secrets and closed doors
tears spilled out on the floor
this is a girl who was looking for something more

this is who i was

lost in knowing myself
scared that who i am will come out
trying to be what isn't me
really just wanting to be set free

masks and disguises my every day wear
this facade is only hiding my despair
wanting to be loved so much
but losing herself to the shyness
 a crutch

A girl afraid of who she is
being real is what loses
happy on the outside
screaming from within
if i could tell you
maybe we would all win

this is who i've been

broken from the lost dreams
still i know what love means
trying again to find you
i didn't know what Your love could do

heart on fire for life once again
i've only had to let you in
living life now for you and me
life is worth living when you've set me free

this is what changed me

sometimes i slip up
sometimes i'm not fine
In those moments you remind me
you hold me up when my life is on the line
when i'm lost you always find me
with love you remind me

In this second i'm so happy
i have so much to live for
i have so much to give
happiness isn't something i could achieve
when i asked you for it
you said just believe

 I'm learning each day
as i need you and i pray
that sometimes life isn't what we wanted
it's what you gave us though
and it's something i'm grateful for
please know

this is what you remind me

Love and laughter are what i want to define me
I hope that these are the things you see
I'm not always perfect
but who could ever be?

running falling
i will pick myself up and run again
cause I want to live a life thats remembered
don't leave me forgotten

dreamer and lover
something i will always be
dreamer of the most impossible things
you make them possible you are the giver of all things
Lover of people and lover of my God
You placed a heart in me overflowing for life

this is who i will be

best friend

My heart is hurting again.
I think I just lost a best friend.
My heart is hurting so
Cause I just can't let you go

I saw it was from your heart
Words from my mouth don't depart
Now everything's messed up
And we're drifting apart

Hold on tight please
to this thin chord that holds us
wanting nothing but release

let's show them we're stronger than this
please speak to me tell me this is
you mean more to me than a relationship like that
so please just tell me where your at

you bring tears to my eyes
a friendship never lies
I love you like a brother
I don't want you to be an "other"

talk to me your dreams
please tell me what it means
I know you had it hard
and now i've gone and played this card

Alone i'll never leave you
Even when it looks like the end to you
your in my life for a reason
I know this is but only a season

Your my best friend.

never asking

I let you see what's inside me.

 I wore my heart on my sleeve. 

You wanted me to listen....i listened but what about you? 

Do you know what i'm going through? 

Do you know what's wrong?
Never asking.
Never caring.

I wonder somedays if you even know me. 

Have we even met. 

because if you've seen this heart you won't forget.

 Look inside me. 

See the realness that is me. 

See how much i love, it's hurting me.

 I'm going with my heart, i'm flowing with my dreams. 

So who are you to say what it all really means. 

With words you pierce my heart and tear me apart. 

Why are you doing this.....I love you. 

I thought you were the best of me. 

Now I'm seeing that nothing comes free.

 I won't throw this out though, no i'm not letting your heart go. 

No matter what happens.......

we have a bond stronger than hurricane

I love you enough to risk the pain 

I hope one day you will pray for change.

words

I turn my face away to hide the pain
words you say cut in vain
close to me yet the distance is far
looking in your eyes i can see
you've forgotten your heart

laugh in my face
cause my life is a joke
something to talk about
make your fun and poke

am i not real
feelings do they not show
cause once upon a time
i was born i'm not a foe

a heart beats in this chest
words are feelings
give them a rest
fighting for truth
i know it the best

on a journey to live out a dream
blood doesn't cut you
and life is as amazing as it may seem

stab me in the back
cause i'm not worth anything
it's what will make you crack
you thought you knew everything

i'll still love you till i die
and even then it won't be goodbye
i'll endure the pain
and not give you a reason to ask why

thinking is too much for you
words just flow
no filter through
i catch them
they just rip right through

so go about your dream
as beautiful as it may seem
true life is not just anything

the world goes round
turns upside down
still you can't see
what your words have done to me

"Boy....Friends"

I think i just realized why I never had too many boys as friends growing up. I may be wrong. This is what i seem to be experiencing now though. It's because they all had crushes on me or something.....

So after the HA i seem to have an abundance of guy friends. I thought it was the greatest thing in the world, especially since most of my life boys wouldn't even talk to me! I thought the same as most girls do "boys are so much easier to be friends with than girls", and i loved the attention from them.

I mean it was great to be able to have a meaningful conversation with a guy and not have to worry about drama and all of that stuff. I thought that my relationships with boys was healthy. Well from my point of view it was, but little did I know that some of them had motives behind being my friend. Yeah they liked me and thought by being my friend they could get with me.....haha NO!

It's hard. All i want are nice decent friends. I like having guy friends and feeling like you are protected or taken care of. They felt like big brothers. Call me naive and maybe even conceited, But i honestly didn't know they liked me. It's not like i'm some drop dead gorgeous chic or something. No, it's just plain old me.

It Sucks so bad. I hate it. It breaks your heart a little when someone you love like a big brother has feelings for you and then you have to tell them you don't feel the same way. aghhh..........the worst feeling in the world.

Honestly i'm tired of boys....or uhh.....men. It seems like they come with their own set of issues and drama as well. All i want is friendship. Nothing more....unless I tell you different.

Why does it seem like the ones you want to notice you never do, and the wants you don't want to notice you always do?

It's lame i'm telling you.

I might be done with guys.

Maybe.

Probably.

Most likely.

Idk.

Beautiful the mess we are.

Joy please come to me

the lonely dark is all i see

I want summer of life again 

laughter, flowers, love awakening from the dead

to drink once more of life I once had

Love please come back to me

fill the empty space they leave inside

light flow out of me you cannot hide

I want to feel again

desperate for what's lost

restitution does come at a cost

Innocence where did you go

I lost you and i didn't know

Come back to me those time again

The quiet whispers like the wind

Let it all out

trying so hard to keep it in

Come back to me the past 

Oh letting go the hardest task

Sweet misery upon me

won't you leave 

can't you see

i need to just be 

Falling apart 

I've made it an art

come now

i'm ready for a new start

I stole this  part below from an actual song by Amy Grant......and i can't forget it. It speaks to me. It's where i'm at right now........

We pour out our miseries

God just hears a melody

Beautiful the mess we are

The honest cries of breaking hearts

You don't even know...

I can't think

I can't breath

I can't see

You consume my thoughts

The only thought i can think of

I carry you through my day in my heart

Yeah the one that's slowly falling apart

I feel like your part of me

Even when we're worlds apart across the sea

I can't move

I can't sleep

I'm not functioning

I love you

Doesn't that mean something

I want you

Doesn't it count

I know I made a mistake

We both did

And it's making this heart ache

You have the power to change it though

So will you

Or will you ask me to go

This is scary

This is true pain

It's driving me insane

I didn't ask

You told me ok

Now i regret

Now the tears i try to swallow

There's a fork in our road

Now we have to choose where we will follow

Will you go with me

This is the place of your decision

I just want you to know when you go

It's hurting me so

You don't even know

You don't even know..

You don't even know...

Will you ever know....

I love you...

What if i'm falling in love with you?

Would you say that you are falling to?

My heart is yours to hold...

will you break it or will you carry it like the most precious treasure in the world? 

would you give me your heart in return?

If I gave you all of me.....

Would you give the same?

Would you drop everyone and let me be everything to you?

would you? 

Cause this heart loves you more than you know.

All I want in return is for you to love me enough to stay or let me go.

You don't have to ask me twice.

I know it's not a game.
Just don't want this to end in pain.

I don't know how you feel, but i care.

And I wish every day i could be there.

I'd love you till forever came to an end.

I won't lie to you or pretend

Cause this is real.

I love you.

I want to......

Love and love deeply

Laugh until i'm crying and my stomach hurts

Cry and let the tears wash it all away

Hurt and let the scars remind me of how far I've come

Fall and fall so hard I don't know if I'll ever get up again

Live everyday as if tomorrow won't come

Run to the edges of the earth

Rest in the one who made me

Risk it all because what's the point of life if I don't risk it all

Believe with all of my heart

Trust even when i'm scared to

Dream and let them carry me away

Reach for things I don't think are possible 

Rise steadily to the top (wherever that is)

Know that I do have a choice


Realize that I'm only human

Fight with everything I have

Burn with passion in/for everything

Pretend like everything's ok (it will be eventually and sometimes it's best for me)

Learn until my brain is overflowing

Remember but also forget

Listen and fully understand

FRUSTRATION!!!!!!!!!!!!

So today.....wait ok the last few days have been so frustrating for me. I mean like REALLY frustrating.
I guess we've reached that point in our trip where we are tired of rooming with each other, we're running low on funds, we're staying with people that aren't any fun and just want us to sit around in their cramped house and watch there kids! It's all driving me mad!!! I mean I'm not on vacation to watch peoples kids for them so they can be lazy. We're in florida and instead of spending our time on the beach we are spending it cleaning up after people and watching there kids! It makes me so mad......!!! We have reached the point where we can't really afford a hotel for all of us here. Especially since it's spring break! I kinda just want to pack up and go home! Even if it's only 50 degrees at home! WE went to the beach yesterday and today with the same family and all they did was complain! Making me wonder why the heck they came with us in the first place. I'm looking forward to tomorrow though. The Wood family is coming and we are going to spend the day with them. I pray everything goes smoothly and that we have tons of fun! We will I know we will.....our families just get along famously!

I've also been really nervous, scared, and frustrated about moving out from under my parents! It's the biggest thing I've ever done and it's exciting, but also scary for me! I'm looking forward to just being alone and enjoying my life, but at the same time I hate being alone. I'm scared of being by myself and being lonely. Or not being able to find a job with a steady income so i can support myself. I'm trying to place it all in Gods hands......that's always been my weakness though. I struggle so much with fully giving things over to God! I am such a logistical person, always needing to know all the facts and things before I do something. Trying to make sure everything will run smoothly. Honestly now that I think about it I sound kinda stupid. Like i'm trying to play God or something. I hate letting go of the control and letting someone else take the reigns.....even when that person is the creator of the universe!!! I know that He has everything though and ultimately I will be fine because he's holding me in His hands! What better place could I be in then that?
This year and even the past couple of years have been all about stretching and growing. I'm turning into an adult. Errrr.......as much as i'm going against it I have no choice but to give in.

I'm gonna go with the wind........just fly with it. Wash away like the tide...... just roll with it. And like a tornado.....i'm going to leave my mark..........just wait......just watch. I'm coming.

Oblivion.

I just want to disappear. To go away into oblivion. For no one to see or hear me. I just want to get lost. In a place unforgiving. It's not like you would care. Cause really you don't. You don't care enough to ask what's wrong with me. You don't think about me enough to actually know if i'm going through something. Basically you don't care. So what am I to do? You want me gone? Well I'm leaving. Not that it will solve anything. But at least i'll be gone right?

I'm not who you wanted. I'm not what you wanted me to be. So instead of caring you just act like everything is fine and leave it all for me to deal with. I can't go on like this. I ask if you love me, because I really don't know if you do. All my life my heart has been screaming for the truth. I just want you to care. I just want you to hold me. Why don't you see that? My guess is that you don't care. Sad thing is it's so true.

So what do I do......

I've carried this burden with me everywhere I go. I'm tired of holding it for you. I'm tired of being the responsible one. The one who has to have it al together. The oldest one. The one who can never show feelings because that shows weakness. I'm tired of living my life to please you. You don't even care! You don't see a thing I do. You always choose to see the bad in me. Maybe that's why I do the things I do. To get your attention. Call me immature and selfish......it doesn't matter to me. Cause I 'm just trying to get your attention. Apparently it's not working though. It's never worked. So i'm just running around in circles chasing after something that will never change.

I'm done. So i'm gonna disappear now. Into my own oblivion. I don't know if i'll be back. Cause it's not really worth the effort of returning.

I need You....... (words in brokeness)

I'm so confused right now. I have all these emotions washing over me like a tidal wave. I don't know what to feel. So many things going on in my life, and no one to really share them with. No one to understand.

What the heck am i doing? What is going on?  It's all a big mess.....that i got myself into. How did I get here.

My heart loves so strongly, and when it does it holds on so tightly.  As much as I love loving people, I feel like i'm always the one who get's hurt in the end. I don't know if it's a bad thing to love too easily, but somehow when I love someone they always end up breaking me. Tearing me apart.

Love. Hate. Sadness. Anger. Joy. Fear. Uncertainty. Relief. Heaviness. Comfort. Hurt.

All the things I am feeling and there are probably a ton more. I just want to be back to before all of this. But then I look back and I know that even then I wasn't ok...... So which is better?

No I'm not crazy, and i'm not going insane. I'm just a human that was blessed with a multitude of emotions. Just a being that was given senses that are sharper and feels things deeper than other people probably do.

I think right now at this moment I just have way too many things happening to me. And it's coming to realization with an outpour of emotions. I need someone to talk to. I need someone to hold me. I need God....I know I do. I know He hears me through everything, and is always with me. I just wish that He was in human form, to love me and be there for me when I need an ear to hear me, or a shoulder to cry on, or a body to hold me.

Life is coming at me crazy fast. It's a reality that is slapping me in the face. I'm 20 and I don't feel like i'm ready to be 20. I guess I really don't have the choice though. So i'm going to do it. I'm going to dive into this. I'm going to trust that God will catch me and hold me through it all.

I'm doing things I shouldn't. I'm giving my heart without thinking. I'm pushing away from it all. I'm slipping away. In a way I kind of like who I am....but I can see what and where I could be. It could go either way good or bad. I'm hanging in the balance.

Lead me down this winding road. Cause I'm stumbling blind through the darkness. And I'm dying here in a desert of lies,  drowning in the sorrow of losing tomorrow. What is this life. Will you find me in this wilderness, in a broken world where people inflict pain. Show your love to my face, and in my life restore your grace. I need you in this body, in this heart, please fill this space. Oh, amazing is your grace,  in my world, in reality of this prison, only you can take me away from. How I need you. Come and fill this space.

I want to be what You created me to be. I want Your love and everything You have for me. I love You.

God, I need You.

You don't even know me....

I'm so tired of rejection. I mean if we're honest I don't think there is one person who likes rejection. So why  are we so quick to reject each other? Why is it so easy to just disregard someone or to look over someone than to say something nice or to take a moment for a person. I know I am most definitely guilty of doing this.....and I feel horrible knowing that i have made some people feel like I do right now. 

We live in such a hard, torn, and broken world. Where everyone wants someone to just love them and acknowledge that they exist. At the same time though we won't do the same for someone else. What is wrong with us? We are such a desperate world, such a desperate people. In need of a savior, but looking for it in the wrong places. 

I know I am bound to face many more times of rejection in my life. In finding love, where someone will decide whether or not i'm worth their time and affection.  I definitely expect to face rejection in my career. Just putting myself out there for the world to see, hear, and judge me will most likely bring up people who can't stand me. In everyday life from one person or another......it happens. I guess it can be expected.

I've learned that as hard as it is to take it though, it's so easy to just take it out on someone else by doing the very same thing to them. I could say that I just ignore it, or that it doesn't really bother me, but in truth it does. I care so much about what people think of me, even if i shouldn't care i do. It hurts me so much when people don't give me the time of day. You leave your mark on my heart every time you overlook me. 

Sometimes it makes me wonder what the heck is wrong with me. What could possibly be so wrong with me that you won't talk to me, or even give me the satisfaction of a glance my way. Maybe this sounds childish, but we all know that these thoughts have gone through our heads at one point or another. And there has been a point in each of our lives when we so desired attention from someone and that person ignored it. You can't tell me that that didn't hurt you.....cause I know your sitting here reading this...thinking of that very person. 

 I realized something today though, Rejection can either break you or make you. You can either sit there and wallow in the hurt of it and never try again, or you can realize that this only makes you a stronger person and let it be motivation for you to keep going and to try even harder. 

These are just some of my late night thoughts.....I don't know if any of this actually makes sense. 

You don't even know me
Yet you discard me like you do
Never asking questions
That would lead me closer to you

You were harsh and unfeeling
Never giving me an inch
Not once did you answer me
And your interrogation made me spin

What is it about me
That you won't even give me a second glance
Cause you don't even know me
And now your not even giving me a chance

You don't even know me
And I guess now you never will
Guess there was something about me
That you just couldn't feel

All I wanted was a friend
I just needed a kind word
Maybe a shoulder to lean on
Or a love that understood

Instead you walked away
As I whispered those last words
You don't even know me

Now i'm standing where you stood
And the hurt flows all around me like a flood
I just wanted you to know me
Love me
Need me
Be a friend that understood

Now you'll never know me
Cause you closed the door
And now I'm gone