You don't even know me....

I'm so tired of rejection. I mean if we're honest I don't think there is one person who likes rejection. So why  are we so quick to reject each other? Why is it so easy to just disregard someone or to look over someone than to say something nice or to take a moment for a person. I know I am most definitely guilty of doing this.....and I feel horrible knowing that i have made some people feel like I do right now. 

We live in such a hard, torn, and broken world. Where everyone wants someone to just love them and acknowledge that they exist. At the same time though we won't do the same for someone else. What is wrong with us? We are such a desperate world, such a desperate people. In need of a savior, but looking for it in the wrong places. 

I know I am bound to face many more times of rejection in my life. In finding love, where someone will decide whether or not i'm worth their time and affection.  I definitely expect to face rejection in my career. Just putting myself out there for the world to see, hear, and judge me will most likely bring up people who can't stand me. In everyday life from one person or another......it happens. I guess it can be expected.

I've learned that as hard as it is to take it though, it's so easy to just take it out on someone else by doing the very same thing to them. I could say that I just ignore it, or that it doesn't really bother me, but in truth it does. I care so much about what people think of me, even if i shouldn't care i do. It hurts me so much when people don't give me the time of day. You leave your mark on my heart every time you overlook me. 

Sometimes it makes me wonder what the heck is wrong with me. What could possibly be so wrong with me that you won't talk to me, or even give me the satisfaction of a glance my way. Maybe this sounds childish, but we all know that these thoughts have gone through our heads at one point or another. And there has been a point in each of our lives when we so desired attention from someone and that person ignored it. You can't tell me that that didn't hurt you.....cause I know your sitting here reading this...thinking of that very person. 

 I realized something today though, Rejection can either break you or make you. You can either sit there and wallow in the hurt of it and never try again, or you can realize that this only makes you a stronger person and let it be motivation for you to keep going and to try even harder. 

These are just some of my late night thoughts.....I don't know if any of this actually makes sense. 

You don't even know me
Yet you discard me like you do
Never asking questions
That would lead me closer to you

You were harsh and unfeeling
Never giving me an inch
Not once did you answer me
And your interrogation made me spin

What is it about me
That you won't even give me a second glance
Cause you don't even know me
And now your not even giving me a chance

You don't even know me
And I guess now you never will
Guess there was something about me
That you just couldn't feel

All I wanted was a friend
I just needed a kind word
Maybe a shoulder to lean on
Or a love that understood

Instead you walked away
As I whispered those last words
You don't even know me

Now i'm standing where you stood
And the hurt flows all around me like a flood
I just wanted you to know me
Love me
Need me
Be a friend that understood

Now you'll never know me
Cause you closed the door
And now I'm gone

Another World

So this poem/song that  I put below is just a little bit of what is constantly going around in my inside of me and my mind. I have so many thoughts, I feel like i'm continually in some kind of dream or deep thought. It's amazing when you just sit down and listen to your thoughts, when they just run free and they develop into something so amazing. This might sound weird......but you already know that i'm different so it shouldn't bother you! Thoughts and dreams are such a gift from God.  So here is something from inside of me, here is something from my mind and my heart.....hope you enjoy it <3

I dream
And I want to go back to that place
I don't want to ever wake from this
My dream a picture i paint in my thoughts
A place that takes me away from it all
This is a love of another world
A world all my own

I think
And it takes me far away
To a place where love shines like diamonds
Where the mermaids swim and play
A story that forms in my heart
Colors so vivid I believe them
My thoughts so out of the ordinary
But made of something so very extraordinary


I am wrapped in a whirlwind of something so different from reality
But somehow they both blend into one
A treasure so lost
I am swimming
Pushing to the surface
But which way is up
Where is the sky

The moment I surface my heart plummets to the ground
I was floating so high
I believed i could touch that great divide
Now it's all gone
And i'm left here to cope
With the reality of a world without hope

I wish
And place these dreams upon a shooting star
Never knowing where you are
Hoping that your nearer
And i'm closer to that land that place
Closer to finding you and claiming your heart
Wherever you are

I explore
As you pull me along on this journey
I follow and lovingly watch you lead me
To places i've only dreamed about
You show me things my eyes have never seen
Experiencing love of the most wonderful and strangest beauty

I am alive
A tidal wave of experiences
An ocean of of life to explore
This very heart is bursting
With such life that i adore

Maybe this isn't a fantasy
I hope this is so called life
I'm willing to risk it and find out
As long as you'll keep me alive

All I Need is You

I've been going down memory lane lately. It's amazing just to look back and see how different i am now. All the things that were so important to me then have very little importance now. I've matured, i guess you could say. At the same time though I feel like i still have so much farther to go and so many more things to learn. 

Somehow on the last few years things have changed. I've suddenly become an adult and i have no idea how i got to be one. Time slipped by so quickly. It's all so bittersweet to me. One moment i'm a child without a care in the world. The next moment i'm faced with big decisions about my life and future. I'm only 20, but even still I look back and wish i would have just enjoyed being younger and appreciated everything i had then. I don't regret anything from the past, I just wish i would have done things differently. I guess that is just the older wiser me talking though. 

I'm so blessed that God has given me the time that i've had on this earth, and I know He's going to bless me with many more. I am so excited about the future and everything it holds. This is the scariest time in my life because everything is changing, but at the same time it's an exciting adventure. These next few days, weeks, months, and years I want to just fully live in the moment and enjoy everything in it. I don't want to look back and have regrets. I I want tot make mistakes and learn from them. I want to fall hard and realize I have an amazing Father that will pick me up again and again. I want everything this life has to offer me, everything that God has in store for me.

I'm so excited for this adventure i'm on. It's going to be amazing. Just to see where God will take me and what all I will do in my life and in the lives of my friends and family. I just keep realizing over and over again how imperfect i am. How I truly need God because without Him my life would fall to pieces.

I just keep falling

Stumbling over my own selfish ways

Trying to get to know you

But failing in every way

I just keep coming back to you though

Cause without you i would have nowhere to go

And you always pick me up right then

Tell me to start again

I'm just a broken foolish person 

But you tell me that you love me beyond rhyme or reason

Your always there and never leave

Even when my heart is running 

You see through my masks and facades 

You know who I am and who You've made

Bestow in me Your worth and Your ways

Even though I am unworthy of Your love

I give You praise 

I want to love you 

And with my life adore you

Forgive me when I fail 

Take me back again if you will

I can't live without You

I'm not me without you

Something's changed.

So we have gotten the chance to stay at the woods house this week, and it's been so nice to just relax and spend time with them.  Yesterday I went on a walk through the woods beside there house. It was so peaceful.....I just kept walking and walking, thinking about things and my life. It was nice to just get away from it all and just be able to hear your thoughts again.
So I went and sat out by the golf course behind their house and just wrote and thought of things again. I wrote this today and it thought i would share it.....

Something's changed
Something's different inside of me
It's like Anger dying
And Joy being set free


Now i am not a complete new being
I just know that something has been slowly changing
It's like nothing i can describe
Except maybe the feeling of being alive


Where once there was darkness 
Finally the Sun has found my face again
When once tears poured from my heart 
Now Laughter resounds again


Somethings changed 
Something's moved
Something's forming inside of me
Burning deep in my heart

It's the Love that i've found once again

Do be spontaneous...

So last week after deciding to postpone our trip indefinitely, we decided to just go ahead and do it anyways. So we packed our bags and got on a plane. It was one of the shortest flights I have ever taken from overseas...and I was so grateful!

So we flew into Charleston......and lets just say that God has most definitely been watching out for us. We've gotten ourselves stranded without a phone or anything and God has always sent someone or something out to help us. On top of that we Got to spend almost two days with our friends the Boyetts(who weren't even supposed to be in the states!). We spent the night at their Grandparents house and got to meet their cousins and everything. It was amazing. We even got to go see a house they might buy!

Now we're at Casey Davis' house and are waiting for the woods to come and pick us up.

I'm super excited about this trip though. We are going to get to see so many people we have missed and spend some time with them. I might even get to go back to Guam for a little while with the Boyett family. I'm hoping it all works out.

It's so great just to be back in the states though. We went to Walmart yesterday for the first time in a very long time. I've never been so thankful for that store! I wanted to just go and buy all of my favorite things that i've missed. I keep forgetting that it's all going to be there, it's not going anywhere!

Trying to get used to the time difference has been hard for me. I'm not sure why since I was on a super crazy schedule in Germany anyways. It'll get easier though!

Well I should go get dressed now. I'll post more later!

what is real. what is me. what is life.

I started this the other day, and for once in my life was at a loss for words to say. I don't know how interesting it would be to read about me and my life and thoughts.....i think i'll give it a try though. I want use this to write down some of the things i've been doing....some songs and poems that i have written....and maybe even some journal entries....Idk.....but whatever i put here is totally from my heart and i'm trusting you with it ok?  so here i go.............




I have so much inside i want you to see
But I just wanted you to love and except me for me
If you could see inside my heart
I wonder what you would see
Do you see me overflowing and drowning in love for you
or is it something else

all i ever wanted was for you to see me
All I ever needed was for you to love me
instead I always hurt
feeling broken and looking for the pieces
my tears falling to the dirt
i'm so hurt
so hurt and you don't see
you inflict the pain upon me and then you just leave me be
i'm so hurt


Can it be wrong to love a person
Is it possible to love too easily
Or to give you too much of me
If you would look into my heart
I'd make sure you would see something breaking
You would see how i'm slowly falling apart
Cause I gave everything.
I gave it all
But I don't regret one part of it
I don't regret the fall

All I want is for you to see me
All I need is your love
Instead i sat there and hurt
Cause it's too late
i'm already broken and searching for the answers
Those tears were lost long ago to the earth
it hurt
it hurt so bad and still you can't see
the way you hurt me and then leave it all be
it hurt so bad

I will love again today
And i know i'll give it all away
Cause really it's worth all the hurt
and yes it really is worth all the pain
I'm going to give everything
and love with everything
Cause what is life if you don't love
and how selfish would it be to keep it all
I think i would rather take the plunge
I'd rather make the fall, take the risk and give it all

This time you'll want to see me
This time you'll love to need me
I'm not going to remember the hurt
I have a new start
And love has renewed this wounded heart
Tears are but a faint memory
Joy has replaced the hurt
now i laugh so much it hurts
Leaving me was something you deserved
I laugh not hurt