I’m stuck

i’m stuck

in two different places

my mind tells me to go one way

the easier safe way 

my heart tells me to jump

take the plunge even if it’s painful

I always do the right thing 

what everyone wants 

never what i want 

i want to dive in 

give it all i’ve got 

but i hold myself back 

with fears of failure 

and what everyone will think of me 

I’m stuck 

because i’m scared 

that i will jump

and have no one to catch me 

nothing to cushion my fall

no one to pick me up and put me back together 

i’m so used to

everyone telling me what i should do 

that it’s painful to think for myself 

it kills me to do what i so badly want to do 

i want to be an adult 

and to make my own decisions

i want to feel free

and find out who i am 

and who i want to be

I want to have confidence 

that i can be fine on my own 

i want to go 

i want to stay 

yet i know 

that i can’t have it both ways

so 

should i go 

or should i stay?  

.

i look

and i’ve looked 

but i don’t see what you see in me 

i’ve tried 

to use your eyes to see what you see 

to come to terms with who i am 

but i have a critics eye 

and i am my own worst enemy 

the mirror never lies 

my ugly heart shows 

through these lifeless brown eyes 

who cares about the outside 

the scars 

the insecurities 

the disguises 

i stare into the looking glass 

ugliness stares back at me

all i see 

are the mistakes 

the regrets 

the stupidity 

the meanness

the impatience 

the vainness 

the selfishness 

the evilness 

I see everything I’ve ever done wrong 

glaring back 

it’s unforgiving 

it haunts my every step 

every word i say 

i’m so flawed 

born perfect 

and destroyed 

by who i let myself become 

who i was 

who i am 

who i’ve become 

it’s not who i want to be 

somehow you don’t see me 

or at least you don’t see the ugly parts of me 

you could be naive 

or just lost in a dream 

but

deep in my heart 

i know 

you wouldn’t lie to me 

somewhere inside me 

there’s something faint

just a glimmer

of belief 

that you are keeping alive 

that your growing and nourishing  

something 

that outshines all of those things 

something 

that fills the empty space 

that erases the ugly

you think i’m beautiful 

though i can’t see it 

I’m starting to believe 

you tell me what i’m worth 

give me more than i could ask for 

remove my fears and doubts 

protect me 

you think i’m beautiful 

and your showing me who i can be 

i would

and I’m trying
to hold it all together
to keep it all down
to compress it all inside

cause i can't let you know
that i’m hurting
or about the tears i try to hide

i can’t let anyone see
that i’m broken
and that they are what’s breaking me

i try
i try with all i have
to hold on
to that thread of hope
that things will change

it’s been too long
i know this weakness
and i will never be strong

i have so many fears
so many disappointments
and a lifetimes worth of tears
i’m begging for someone to see them
but on the outside i’m so deceiving

please
don’t notice me

I don’t want you to see
the girl who is me
who lets her emotions control her
who only wants the strength of a shoulder

walking away
it seems so very easy
blocking the world out
it’s the only thing i can do
to get through another day

if i could have your love
your approval
if i could change
my mind and heart
if i could be
what you want me to be

i would

i don’t know what that is
i don’t know who that girl would be
i don’t know anything really
i just know
that i’m me

and that is all i’ll ever know how to be