l o v e

what is love you ask me.

honestly i don’t really know. 

i think i have an idea of what it means though. 

or at least I hope I do. 

so let me tell you my idea of love.

love is unconditional.

it’s sticking with someone no matter what. no matter what they’ve done or who they’ve become. 

love is seeing past a persons flaws and caring for them anyway.

love is when you know you would die for a person. 

love hurts when someone walks out of your life.

love cuts like a blade when you know you’ve hurt someone you care for. 

love is always honest...even when it hurts to be. 

love knows what is best for you.

love stands by a person in their darkest hour. 

love is in your actions.

love is in the way you think. 

love never gives up. 

love cares for others than for self.

love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have. 

love doesn’t focus on itself. 

love isn’t forceful. 

love doesn’t take note of every wrong someone does. 

love takes pleasure in truth. 

love puts up with anything and everything. 

love trusts God always. 

love always always looks for the best in a person. 

love never looks back. 

love keeps going infinitely. 

love NEVER dies. 

God is the epitome of love.

love is who He is. 

what greater love do we have than Him who would send His most precious son into a world as an infant to live and die for us? 

in the Bible it says “go after a life of love as if your depended on it. because it does.”

we depend on love.

thrive on love. 

breathe and drink in love. 

we all desire to love and be loved. 

this is what love is to me. this is deep love. this is passionate love. this is what i hope i show to people everyday. this is what i hope is seen as my creator flows out of me. this is what i live for and will die for. i don’t know if i will ever truly know what love is...but i hope i’m pretty close. my heart cry is to be just a fraction of what Jesus was to this world and if i’ve done that....then I know my life will have not been in vain.

Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7

goodbye

holding my head up high
with every breath i take i'm trying not to cry
you can't see the smile on my face
because it's just another thing i misplaced

trying so very hard not to cry
i thought i was a big girl
so now why can't i say goodbye

i never understood how loving you could hurt so deeply
until you said goodnight...

I’m trying. trying.

I’m tired.
Worn out, stressed.
Cause right now, things aren’t going the best.

I’m falling, tripping stumbling,
through a life of lies that’s slowly crumbling.
trying my best to please them
yet inside i’m dying to just breath in.

Losing it.
to something I never wanted.
I love deeply.
so that I always feel it when they leave me.
Hurting myself...the only way to see if I’m still alive.

why do I do this.
why can’t I just give up on them
just live a lie
at night I lay here to cry.

I can’t stop loving.
can’t stop caring.
I wish you knew that.

I wish you could see that inside i’m dying
cause it hurts me to see you crying.
I just want to live without lying.
look deep. I’m trying. trying.

the hardest thing is to let go.
to give you away.
to move on.
let love come again your way.

I’m frickin tired.

I’m tired.

I’m frickin tired.

worn.

stressed.

upset.

I just don’t understand some things.

like.....why God isn’t enough for us?? especially when He’s promised to be more than enough.

I don’t understand how we can trust every other human on this earth, and what they have to say, and not trust the God  who created us or His word.

I don’t understand how we can call ourselves followers of the creator...when we in truth have no idea most of the time what the Bible says or even believe it to be true.

It makes me upset that we get so upset with others over petty things that shouldn’t matter, when what we should be doing is showing the love of our maker, being like him, loving every person no matter what they’ve done or do. Cause we’re still human, we still make mistakes just like everyone else. I hate that for one second I’ve ever thought I was better than anyone else. I’m not.

It’s completely stupid how we are so quick to point fingers at what everyone else does wrong...but are the last to admit the faults in our own lives.

I’m so tired. So tired of forgetting that God is the only thing that I need. So tired of putting Him last in my life.

I’m so tired of living for other people. Pleasing them and making them happy, while i’m making myself miserable.

I’m tired of trying to make everyone happy and making sure that their every dream comes true...and forgetting about my own dreams.

I’m tired of people looking at me and putting me in a box of what they think I am. If only you knew.

I’m just ready to live life. Ready to live for myself. Don’t get me wrong I want to live for God...that’s a huge priority in my life. But I know that in order to do that I have to love myself. I have to put the focus back on what I’m supposed to do and be.

I just want to enjoy life while I can.

To love without compromising who I am and what I want in life.

I’m  done with living for everyone else. Done with pleasing everyone else. That life makes me miserable. I just want it to be me and God and no one else. I don’t need anything else.

I have a lot more to say, but i’m tired and I can’t think straight. I’m losing my train of thought. more to come soon.

where do we go from here?

it’s just begun
and already i can see the end in sight
we both knew it couldn’t last
instead we chose to continue
and look past

it’s been ending since the start
falling to pieces all around us
you know it is
i know it is
yet we continue on

we’re dragging our hearts through the mud
hurting ourselves
more than each other

i love you
you know i do
but this isn’t meant to be
i don’t know if your love will ever be enough for me

there’s so many things wrong with us
so many obstacles
so many dreams that are different

we’re going different ways
all i want is for you to stay
it’s only my selfishness telling me to never let you go

i don’t know what to do
i know your happy
but i’m not
I know this is what you’ve always wanted
but i’m not sure what i really want anymore

i have so many unanswered questions
you have too many mysteries

so what do we do?
where do we go from here?

my destinee

your a beautiful one to me
always bright eyed
always free

your magical mystery to me
your eyes tell stories
smile hides your  secrets

your deeper than the sea
twisting words into something we couldn’t see
making melodey with life
oh that we could all be
something. something. a part of this beauty

your to be feared
for your wisdom is beyond all our years
thoughts aren’t what you think
they’re who you are

you are the closest thing to me
kindred spirit
piece of my heart
the pain i do feel
every moment we’re apart

your my destinee
i can’t change you
can’t move you
your set in your ways

your the light in such a dark place
a memory of distinct beauty and grace

you are the love of my heart
words can’t give meaning to all that you are
you mean more to me than you’ll ever know

your my sister
best friend
lover
your part of me

I love you......my destinee

this is growing up

I never thought it would be this hard
leaving would be just another way i’d be free
but I see the love in your eyes when you look at me
I know there’s pain there cause your trying to let go
i’m feeling that same pain

so this is it, here i go
this is growing up, leaving home
this is knowing real pain
knowing life is more than dancing in the rain

how do you separate something whole
how do you leave behind your world
become your own person
they make it seem so easy
but really this is a whole new life for me

where did my childhood go
how did I become this person
this woman
no one can prepare you for this
you have wings to fly
yet, your so scared to try

i press on for all that’s ahead of me
trying not to look back
but still keep it all with me
this is growing up

tell myself to forget.

mind churning things out at a million miles a second
no time to sleep
I can barely remember to breathe
waves of emotion passing over
again and again
yet I can’t feel them

I tell myself to forget
to be numb
don’t remember
don’t feel

If I stop for even a second
it will all crash down around me
everything will fall to pieces
flood gates will pour out like tidal waves

so I keep everything locked up tight
I have to be strong
have to at least pretend like i belong
like there is never anything wrong

my facade is cracking though
slowly this foundation is moving from beneath me
i can’t keep it in
i can’t hold it all together

with each breath it tears me apart inside
with each smile
something falters

i’m scared to let it all go
to just break down
and lose all i know

what if i push you away
when all i really wanted was for you to stay
what if i’m too much
or too little
then it will all be too late

i would have spilled my heart onto broken ground
watching myself slowly drown

I can’t do that
but I know I will
cause my heart isn’t for me
it’s for every person I was ever around

I try to give so much
and take very little
yet it’s catching up with me
i didn’t know I needed love to love me