the one.

i’ve never been more sure of what i wanted
i’ve never been more sure that this is right
it is so right
so very right in every way
it’s perfect
and i know that this was destined
or maybe fate
a dream that came to life

there was a time when my heart
and my mind
would go separate ways
when i couldn’t decide what i wanted
but now they’re flowing as one
writing a story i’ll forever remember

happiness found itself back to me
rays of light shine where darkness and hurt once hid
laughter echoes in every corner

all my life i’ve waited
all my life i’ve desired and longed for what was missing
waiting
looking
but never satisfied with what was there
wondering
if dreams were real
and hoping one day you would come

i lost hope for a moment
as soon as my was heart breaking
when i had lost all hope
i looked up
and there you were

my dream
the missing piece
the image my mind had painted in such intricate detail
YOU
you are everything
EVERYTHING
more than i had ever hoped
more than i could imagine or dream

one glimpse and i knew
you are the one
the one i’ve been waiting for
the one i’ve spent my life dreaming about

you light up my life
put a permanent smile on my face
fill me with butterflies of happiness and joy
and make me tremble with delight

i know it’s just the start of something wonderful
magnificent
beautiful
and deep in my heart
i know
i know
you are the one
the one God gave me
the one i’ve waited all my life for
the one i want to be with
the one I want to kiss and cuddle and laugh with
the one I want to share everything with

You’re the one.

I’m stuck

i’m stuck

in two different places

my mind tells me to go one way

the easier safe way 

my heart tells me to jump

take the plunge even if it’s painful

I always do the right thing 

what everyone wants 

never what i want 

i want to dive in 

give it all i’ve got 

but i hold myself back 

with fears of failure 

and what everyone will think of me 

I’m stuck 

because i’m scared 

that i will jump

and have no one to catch me 

nothing to cushion my fall

no one to pick me up and put me back together 

i’m so used to

everyone telling me what i should do 

that it’s painful to think for myself 

it kills me to do what i so badly want to do 

i want to be an adult 

and to make my own decisions

i want to feel free

and find out who i am 

and who i want to be

I want to have confidence 

that i can be fine on my own 

i want to go 

i want to stay 

yet i know 

that i can’t have it both ways

so 

should i go 

or should i stay?  

.

i look

and i’ve looked 

but i don’t see what you see in me 

i’ve tried 

to use your eyes to see what you see 

to come to terms with who i am 

but i have a critics eye 

and i am my own worst enemy 

the mirror never lies 

my ugly heart shows 

through these lifeless brown eyes 

who cares about the outside 

the scars 

the insecurities 

the disguises 

i stare into the looking glass 

ugliness stares back at me

all i see 

are the mistakes 

the regrets 

the stupidity 

the meanness

the impatience 

the vainness 

the selfishness 

the evilness 

I see everything I’ve ever done wrong 

glaring back 

it’s unforgiving 

it haunts my every step 

every word i say 

i’m so flawed 

born perfect 

and destroyed 

by who i let myself become 

who i was 

who i am 

who i’ve become 

it’s not who i want to be 

somehow you don’t see me 

or at least you don’t see the ugly parts of me 

you could be naive 

or just lost in a dream 

but

deep in my heart 

i know 

you wouldn’t lie to me 

somewhere inside me 

there’s something faint

just a glimmer

of belief 

that you are keeping alive 

that your growing and nourishing  

something 

that outshines all of those things 

something 

that fills the empty space 

that erases the ugly

you think i’m beautiful 

though i can’t see it 

I’m starting to believe 

you tell me what i’m worth 

give me more than i could ask for 

remove my fears and doubts 

protect me 

you think i’m beautiful 

and your showing me who i can be 

i would

and I’m trying
to hold it all together
to keep it all down
to compress it all inside

cause i can't let you know
that i’m hurting
or about the tears i try to hide

i can’t let anyone see
that i’m broken
and that they are what’s breaking me

i try
i try with all i have
to hold on
to that thread of hope
that things will change

it’s been too long
i know this weakness
and i will never be strong

i have so many fears
so many disappointments
and a lifetimes worth of tears
i’m begging for someone to see them
but on the outside i’m so deceiving

please
don’t notice me

I don’t want you to see
the girl who is me
who lets her emotions control her
who only wants the strength of a shoulder

walking away
it seems so very easy
blocking the world out
it’s the only thing i can do
to get through another day

if i could have your love
your approval
if i could change
my mind and heart
if i could be
what you want me to be

i would

i don’t know what that is
i don’t know who that girl would be
i don’t know anything really
i just know
that i’m me

and that is all i’ll ever know how to be

better off this way.

trying so hard 
not to let things get to me 
choosing to just be happy through it all
it still hurts though 


you said you would never let me go 
but now things are falling apart
i’m slipping away 
you don’t even notice
it’s hard, but maybe we’re better off this way......


you let me go
put your life before me 
so how was i supposed to know
if your love was real


trying to make myself believe
that i don’t care 
that it doesn’t hurt 
but these tears aren’t imaginary 
to you 
in your life...i’m so secondary 


i’m too weak 
to try and put up a fight 
but then again
the things you won’t change for me
i don’t why I might 


blinded so badly 
by what i didn’t want to see 
i shut out everything 
that meant so much to me


i poured so much into you
my heart’s unrecognizably blue 
trying not to harden with lies from you


i believed you could be more 
but had my world shaken to the core 
daydreams i got lost in
until now my eyes were never opened. 


i see your love for what it was 
scared of your solitude aloneness
drowning in your lustful lewdness 
i see you for what you are 


strange how the world can show me that 
funny how i can realize 
what has always been right before these 
fogged over eyes 


i understand why i need this so 
But i don’t know why then
that my heart breaks letting you go. 


unjustified in your actions 
mistaken by spoken words 
lost communication between two worlds
never colliding with reality


we aren’t meant to be 
so just accept that fact 
move on 
get life to move forward on this track 


I don’t want to be alone forever
but then you were the one who said “never”
and here we are 


stuck in something so volatile 
comfort is always in what’s known
but it will never make our lives full

it’s hard, but maybe we’re better off this way......

breaking mine instead

i loved you with everything i had

ignored the things everyone said 

gave you my heart 

trusted every word you ever said

gave you parts of me no one else has ever known

loved you with everything

though your touch i’ve never known

you said you wanted me

that i was different from the rest

you went and broke this heart to pieces

did you even think of me?

every trust i ever had 

is dying in front of you

so how do I continue to love you

why can’t I let you go?

how do I still miss everything about you

i still want to work things out

I gave you my heart. you asked me not to break your heart…..well your breaking mine instead. 

what’s going wrong

how do i feel such a deep love

yet people still say its not real

how can this feel so real

and they all tell me it’s a big huge lie

what am I missing here

whats going wrong

one minute your pushing me there 

the other your pulling me right along 

my hearts saying one thing

my head says it’ll come along 

everyone’s telling me what they think 

I’m so lost, still i’ll try to be strong

I try to forget their words 

and focus on what matters only 

it then is all that matters 

there’s only gonna be room for us three

trying to listen and know what’s right

and still trying to follow my heart

how do you know what’s really right

how do you know if its true?

I’m lost

and your all sending me in circles

I didn’t ask and yet you still tell

I didn’t tell and you still poured it out

i just want to know his plan

i just want our heart to be happy 

i’m not giving up on love yet

I’m just praying he’ll show me the right way

she dreams.

there’s something there that you don’t see

it’s underlying 

it’s breaking me

there’s smiles and laughter 

a girl who can make you feel pure joy 

but if you looked under the surface 

if you peeled back the layers

you’d see a girl that’s been hiding 

drowning in her own prayers 

There’s a girl that knows breaking 

a girl who loves too much

one who feels the pain herself 

and sometimes that pain’s too much 

there’s a girl who longs for love

who misses
what she thought she had
in life’s kisses

she may be whimsical
she dreams
a life of rainbows and beautiful things
she knows it’s fantasy
but it’s better than reality

she misses the closeness
the realness
the touch
of a world of innocence
but that she gave up

hiding behind thoughts
she can see what she wants
if only she did what she thought.

you hold her back
tear the dreams apart
it’s more that just your habit
you’ve made it your art

just give her what she wanted
what she needs more than anything
she’ll live life full hearted
an only have memories of how it all started

do you love me?

sometimes i wonder...
if when you say i love you
do you mean it?

cause in your actions...
i never see it

cause in your words...
i never hear it

cause in my heart...
i never feel it

sometimes i wonder if there is any truth...
to the words that come from your mouth
or if you say them out of obligation

cause when you speak...
your words are on repeat

cause you say you’ll change...
but your the same today as you were yesterday

cause i’m a part of your world...
but you can’t accept or be a part of mine

sometimes i wonder...
if there will ever be a time
when i can talk to you about things

cause i have so much to tell you...
but i’m scared of what you’ll think

cause i always needed you there...
and you just never had the time

cause i don’t know if you love me...
in all these years you have yet to show me

so now i have to wonder...
do you love me?

no not at all.

i like to dream
that i’ll be ok if you walk away
when I know i won’t be
no not at all

i like to believe
that I don’t need a thing from anyone
truth is I need all you can give me
everything

i like to imagine
being in control of my own world
but i’m not capable of knowing it all
it kills me

i like to think
that i’m my own person
how can that be though when you are
part of me
one

i like to ponder
what it would be like if i followed my heart
i’m scared of going my own way
losing you is losing me
wanting to be free

losing myself

dying inside
these feelings i’ve tried hard to hide
won’t contain themselves any longer
 they’re falling, running free
returning me to life's every misery

can’t tell you what’s wrong
you wouldn’t understand these thoughts
to you they sound so wrong

no i’m not a tortured mind
just never finding my rhythm to the worlds rhyme
a different kind of soul
one that’s desperate for you to find

i’m a mess of broken pieces
lost them all to the bottom of the sea
trying to make sense of all the madness
on a long hard trek to find me

I know i’m breaking you apart
dragging you along on this ride
& hurting you in the process
i can’t let go of my pride

trying to fight a feeling
that i don’t know how to feel
I’m lost inside a nightmare
& confused on which world is real

if you could just stay
chase each bad dream away
love me completely
when i push you away

I get so lost within myself at times
always losing my way
trying to somehow read between lines
 of things my mind & heart say

can’t see where i’m going or who i am
just a drifter losing myself to a foreign land

happiness is so elusive

Every moment I waste
wanting nothing but to cry
to just let out all the hurt
turn away
say goodbye

life never feels worth it
only one reason to live
they’re taking everything
when i have nothing left to give

don’t want anything
don’t need anything
there’s never enough i can do
I thought the rules were love them
and you will be loved too

happiness is so elusive
a dream trapped inside itself
you see it
never will you feel it
until you look inside ones self

all you need.

she surrounds herself in a misery no one else can see
lost herself to this world of cruel reality
what is this life she lives?
who is this girl that has nothing left to give?
where’d the hope go.
how did she lose her soul.

Looking for the hope
the rope to hold onto
trying to find some way to cope
running from herself
dreams what can possibly be left?

Caught in a cobweb
of everything they want her to be
thinking she’s going her own way
but she just follows where they lead
lost inside herself
drowned in confusion
what does this heart want?

they say they need her
they say they care
all she feels is used
abandoned
bruised

Her dreams are all behind her
she left them to give you yours
she’s scared and weak and so confused
but you don’t see her
even though she’s given you a million clues

she’s in a place you don’t want to go
crying out running in place
hiding cause to you
she’s nothing but a disgrace

hold on to what’s broken
make strong what’s slowly going
forget the pain, the tears, the not knowing

i’m all you need.
all you need.
hold onto me.
cause for your soul...i’m dying.

to the parents.

you ask me to think for myself
yet when  do i disappoint you

you say you want to be a part of my life
then you leave me in my room alone with my thoughts.

never asking if i’m ok
so how am i supposed to know you care?

you say you’ll ALWAYS be there
so why do I feel as if i’m the only one here?

i love you
i need you
thought for so long i couldn’t live without you

now i see that I’m drowning in your control
I can’t learn to think for myself
when your a constant in my mind.

just need you to let go
to loosen your grip
hand over some of the control

you’ve taught me well
you’ve given me wisdom
so now is the time to sit back
watch the vision

i may lose my focus
i could get lost in the way of man
i could stumble
but know i’ll always reach for His hand

let me make mistakes
you can’t prevent them all
let me find my way
even if that means watching me stumble and fall

cause i’m finding i can’t live this way
i’m no longer a child
and now it’s time for me to go my own way

a driving need to be free
to break away
to be who i am
find the real “me”

i’m not saying i don’t need you
i know i do
i need your support
to know your behind me no matter what  do
will you be there?

it’s a journey i have to take
don’t hold me back
don’t make it worse

i’ll be ok
i promise
and hopefully one day...
you’ll be proud of what i know i can be

to the parents.
this is all new to me.
i’m taking baby steps
just let me go and watch me.

forgotten destiny

feel hot tears roll off my lashes
this feeling never passes

there are no regrets
but my mind is not set
on what it wants to do.

heart pounds, jumps, races
think of the most solace places
i want to fly away too

the easiest is never right
the hardest is strongly felt
the right feels painfully damaging
and wrong is just too tempting

mind so trapped in every thought
can’t speak
won’t speak
you wouldn’t understand
it’s just wasted in your hands

look at this shell you call me
don’t recognize
because there’s a lostness behind her eyes

what is destiny what is fate
when it is all controlled?

twisted
distorted
obscured

never where i wanted to be
nowhere close to what I dreamed

wretched wonderer
you’ve traveled too far
to find out
you never left who you are

ghosts of your past
haunt your future
kill them kill them kill them
or they’ll be with you forever

run away
problems follow anyway
turn around
stand your ground
and fight

will it not be fine?
will it not all be right?

fear, a friend
pain, a sister
death, a lover

given all away
never having held much back
how to continue forward
to never look behind
to never again wonder or ask of yourself why?

to knowingly break, tear, shatter two hearts apart.
to resume the life of the living
yet not know what to live for

where does the bad, the painful, the hatred, lostness and fear end?
will there ever be good?
does it not get better than this?

i ponder if it is all simply a life lived of our own choosing
or is life merely providential?
do the choices we make truly determine our path?
or is this our path of fate?

does he bring us where we are to go?
or does he take the poor choices and make them his own?

never telling you how complicated life will be
no you must first grow up
then be slapped with reality

confused with the question of which door to go through
how does one know, if none are locked
then which one is meant for you to go through?

seen as failing
disappointment etched into their faces
a cause to hide your pain
hatred this world readily embraces

change the world to see
that if once more they opened blind eyes to see
a place of hope and beauty
then maybe
just maybe
I can be free.

to live my long lost & forgotten destiny.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

lost
in a world that swallowed me
broken
by people I always thought loved me
here
in a place i’ve never been
there
where I want to be but just can’t reach


do you see how I try
hear me in the night when the tears won’t stop
and my heart it dies

i wish you would care enough to let it go
you say you care
but your love has never showed

i can’t show you what’s inside
bruised broken bloody
everything i tried to hide
it’s all locked away now
in a lifeless person it resides

hurt
by twisted words and broken promises
confused
by choices decisions you’re making me decide
burdened
by the weight of love that will never be
displaced
because you’ve made me a stranger to my own family

i ask how much lower can I be
you laugh in my face and say if this is low
then you just wait
you can make it worse for me

i’m confounded
by what my head and my heart are saying
they won’t come together
they won’t change their ways
so which do I believe
which one goes and which stays?

i’m ready to give up this life
what’s the point
when it’s filled with grief and strife
I can’t move on and I can’t go back
so there’s only really one choice for me
to live without anyone anything
to give up
give it all
everything

you lost me
you broke me
you hurt me

you burdened me
you confused me
you forgot me

you’ve driven a world between us

hope your happy now

save me.

all i know is that I can’t see

my mind is full

my heart’s not free

i wondered far away

and I don’t know how to get back

where am i? 

who am i? 

i can’t hear

there’s too many voices in my head

too many things not left unsaid

i just want to hear you

to know that your still there

to feel you in my life 

everything screams for you to give me a reason

send me your sign

i’m a sad excuse for human

i’ve fallen and drifted behind

i don’t want to do this anymore 

i can’t take the pain of hurting everyone around me

turning into something that was never meant to be

i’m broken...bleeding...dying.

wou hear my whispers in the darkness

you see the tears that are always ready to fall

i just want to be free from this

free from it all

from the mess of my life...the mess i’ve made of it all

save me.

you push.

you push and push
always pushing
never holding back
you push and push
until it’s a little too late

you’ve driven me over the edge
to a place I never wanted to be
now i’m forgotten
in a place where no man should be

you love me
though your only human
you fight for me
though we’re only flesh

I beg you to stop
I beg you to let go
can’t you see
you just keep pushing
pushing pushing
pushing yourself away from me

you give me all your words
you fill my brain with human opinions
you don’t give me a second to breathe
you won’t just let me fall

do you not see it’s not me that’s faltering
cause I know who’s going to catch me
your scared to let go
cause you can’t help but want the control

instead your hurting me
your pushing pushing
always pushing
never holding back
pushing yourself away from me.

you push and push
until it’s too late.

you pushed
and now i’m gone
you pushed when you were trying so hard to hold on
now this girl is gone.

run.

looking back
pouring over years gone by
regret in what your seeing
hurt filling your very being

you ask why
cause you didn’t see this as a game
no, cause this is your life
and there has to be someone to blame

start to run
turn your back on what hurts you
run away
start anew with life that loves you

reminiscing only brings back the pain
all the time you lost
all the scars you gained

your done with the past
look ahead to your future
quit crying for what can’t be
and start again inside a new me

just run away
far far far away
and don’t you dare look back
cause the past cannot be changed

future always rearranged

tomorrow is dangling before your eyes
a ray of hope in your hand
grasp the fullness of what this is
hold tight to the life line
it’s stronger than you think

the stars dance in your eyes again
life runs through your veins like a runaway train
don’t let it stop
keep moving

just run away
let the pull take you with it
don’t be scared
just run just run
run far far far away

find your peace in tomorrow
capture desire out of the sorrow

run run run
until you realize.....

these eyes hold laughter instead of sorrow.

take me there.

with the heaviest heart
i think of things
nearer and farther that burden my heart

in pure desolation
i lay everything out on the table
to be put under scrutiny

it can build me up
or it can break me
but either way it can’t take from me
what has been there all along

tears never fall freely
they are forbidden in this world
don’t show that you care
break others
dissolve who you are
till there’s nothing left

will it be worth it
will we regret every day passed
when we fade into the gray
when judgement comes upon me and you?

can we look upon these movies and say we lived it black and white
will we know who we were
did we follow the others
or make our own way?

I just want something new
longing for a realness
a love in its purest form
a reality that doesn’t believe its own lie

heavy heart you hold the key
see you have compassion
something this world has failed to keep

just ready to move on
go to a place thats safe
where i won’t doubt what’s real
where lies aren’t contorted to look beautiful
where truth is the core of existence

we long for such a place
such a peace 
a heart begs for a way to be taken there
even if that would mean passing on to a place beyond this life

you can’t help but want it
you know nothing except that you need it

i have a heavy heart that diligently seeks peace
that more than anything is searching for a place of sweet release

take me there