I’m stuck

i’m stuck

in two different places

my mind tells me to go one way

the easier safe way 

my heart tells me to jump

take the plunge even if it’s painful

I always do the right thing 

what everyone wants 

never what i want 

i want to dive in 

give it all i’ve got 

but i hold myself back 

with fears of failure 

and what everyone will think of me 

I’m stuck 

because i’m scared 

that i will jump

and have no one to catch me 

nothing to cushion my fall

no one to pick me up and put me back together 

i’m so used to

everyone telling me what i should do 

that it’s painful to think for myself 

it kills me to do what i so badly want to do 

i want to be an adult 

and to make my own decisions

i want to feel free

and find out who i am 

and who i want to be

I want to have confidence 

that i can be fine on my own 

i want to go 

i want to stay 

yet i know 

that i can’t have it both ways

so 

should i go 

or should i stay?  

.

i look

and i’ve looked 

but i don’t see what you see in me 

i’ve tried 

to use your eyes to see what you see 

to come to terms with who i am 

but i have a critics eye 

and i am my own worst enemy 

the mirror never lies 

my ugly heart shows 

through these lifeless brown eyes 

who cares about the outside 

the scars 

the insecurities 

the disguises 

i stare into the looking glass 

ugliness stares back at me

all i see 

are the mistakes 

the regrets 

the stupidity 

the meanness

the impatience 

the vainness 

the selfishness 

the evilness 

I see everything I’ve ever done wrong 

glaring back 

it’s unforgiving 

it haunts my every step 

every word i say 

i’m so flawed 

born perfect 

and destroyed 

by who i let myself become 

who i was 

who i am 

who i’ve become 

it’s not who i want to be 

somehow you don’t see me 

or at least you don’t see the ugly parts of me 

you could be naive 

or just lost in a dream 

but

deep in my heart 

i know 

you wouldn’t lie to me 

somewhere inside me 

there’s something faint

just a glimmer

of belief 

that you are keeping alive 

that your growing and nourishing  

something 

that outshines all of those things 

something 

that fills the empty space 

that erases the ugly

you think i’m beautiful 

though i can’t see it 

I’m starting to believe 

you tell me what i’m worth 

give me more than i could ask for 

remove my fears and doubts 

protect me 

you think i’m beautiful 

and your showing me who i can be 

i would

and I’m trying
to hold it all together
to keep it all down
to compress it all inside

cause i can't let you know
that i’m hurting
or about the tears i try to hide

i can’t let anyone see
that i’m broken
and that they are what’s breaking me

i try
i try with all i have
to hold on
to that thread of hope
that things will change

it’s been too long
i know this weakness
and i will never be strong

i have so many fears
so many disappointments
and a lifetimes worth of tears
i’m begging for someone to see them
but on the outside i’m so deceiving

please
don’t notice me

I don’t want you to see
the girl who is me
who lets her emotions control her
who only wants the strength of a shoulder

walking away
it seems so very easy
blocking the world out
it’s the only thing i can do
to get through another day

if i could have your love
your approval
if i could change
my mind and heart
if i could be
what you want me to be

i would

i don’t know what that is
i don’t know who that girl would be
i don’t know anything really
i just know
that i’m me

and that is all i’ll ever know how to be

better off this way.

trying so hard 
not to let things get to me 
choosing to just be happy through it all
it still hurts though 


you said you would never let me go 
but now things are falling apart
i’m slipping away 
you don’t even notice
it’s hard, but maybe we’re better off this way......


you let me go
put your life before me 
so how was i supposed to know
if your love was real


trying to make myself believe
that i don’t care 
that it doesn’t hurt 
but these tears aren’t imaginary 
to you 
in your life...i’m so secondary 


i’m too weak 
to try and put up a fight 
but then again
the things you won’t change for me
i don’t why I might 


blinded so badly 
by what i didn’t want to see 
i shut out everything 
that meant so much to me


i poured so much into you
my heart’s unrecognizably blue 
trying not to harden with lies from you


i believed you could be more 
but had my world shaken to the core 
daydreams i got lost in
until now my eyes were never opened. 


i see your love for what it was 
scared of your solitude aloneness
drowning in your lustful lewdness 
i see you for what you are 


strange how the world can show me that 
funny how i can realize 
what has always been right before these 
fogged over eyes 


i understand why i need this so 
But i don’t know why then
that my heart breaks letting you go. 


unjustified in your actions 
mistaken by spoken words 
lost communication between two worlds
never colliding with reality


we aren’t meant to be 
so just accept that fact 
move on 
get life to move forward on this track 


I don’t want to be alone forever
but then you were the one who said “never”
and here we are 


stuck in something so volatile 
comfort is always in what’s known
but it will never make our lives full

it’s hard, but maybe we’re better off this way......

breaking mine instead

i loved you with everything i had

ignored the things everyone said 

gave you my heart 

trusted every word you ever said

gave you parts of me no one else has ever known

loved you with everything

though your touch i’ve never known

you said you wanted me

that i was different from the rest

you went and broke this heart to pieces

did you even think of me?

every trust i ever had 

is dying in front of you

so how do I continue to love you

why can’t I let you go?

how do I still miss everything about you

i still want to work things out

I gave you my heart. you asked me not to break your heart…..well your breaking mine instead. 

what’s going wrong

how do i feel such a deep love

yet people still say its not real

how can this feel so real

and they all tell me it’s a big huge lie

what am I missing here

whats going wrong

one minute your pushing me there 

the other your pulling me right along 

my hearts saying one thing

my head says it’ll come along 

everyone’s telling me what they think 

I’m so lost, still i’ll try to be strong

I try to forget their words 

and focus on what matters only 

it then is all that matters 

there’s only gonna be room for us three

trying to listen and know what’s right

and still trying to follow my heart

how do you know what’s really right

how do you know if its true?

I’m lost

and your all sending me in circles

I didn’t ask and yet you still tell

I didn’t tell and you still poured it out

i just want to know his plan

i just want our heart to be happy 

i’m not giving up on love yet

I’m just praying he’ll show me the right way

she dreams.

there’s something there that you don’t see

it’s underlying 

it’s breaking me

there’s smiles and laughter 

a girl who can make you feel pure joy 

but if you looked under the surface 

if you peeled back the layers

you’d see a girl that’s been hiding 

drowning in her own prayers 

There’s a girl that knows breaking 

a girl who loves too much

one who feels the pain herself 

and sometimes that pain’s too much 

there’s a girl who longs for love

who misses
what she thought she had
in life’s kisses

she may be whimsical
she dreams
a life of rainbows and beautiful things
she knows it’s fantasy
but it’s better than reality

she misses the closeness
the realness
the touch
of a world of innocence
but that she gave up

hiding behind thoughts
she can see what she wants
if only she did what she thought.

you hold her back
tear the dreams apart
it’s more that just your habit
you’ve made it your art

just give her what she wanted
what she needs more than anything
she’ll live life full hearted
an only have memories of how it all started

do you love me?

sometimes i wonder...
if when you say i love you
do you mean it?

cause in your actions...
i never see it

cause in your words...
i never hear it

cause in my heart...
i never feel it

sometimes i wonder if there is any truth...
to the words that come from your mouth
or if you say them out of obligation

cause when you speak...
your words are on repeat

cause you say you’ll change...
but your the same today as you were yesterday

cause i’m a part of your world...
but you can’t accept or be a part of mine

sometimes i wonder...
if there will ever be a time
when i can talk to you about things

cause i have so much to tell you...
but i’m scared of what you’ll think

cause i always needed you there...
and you just never had the time

cause i don’t know if you love me...
in all these years you have yet to show me

so now i have to wonder...
do you love me?