"Boy....Friends"

I think i just realized why I never had too many boys as friends growing up. I may be wrong. This is what i seem to be experiencing now though. It's because they all had crushes on me or something.....

So after the HA i seem to have an abundance of guy friends. I thought it was the greatest thing in the world, especially since most of my life boys wouldn't even talk to me! I thought the same as most girls do "boys are so much easier to be friends with than girls", and i loved the attention from them.

I mean it was great to be able to have a meaningful conversation with a guy and not have to worry about drama and all of that stuff. I thought that my relationships with boys was healthy. Well from my point of view it was, but little did I know that some of them had motives behind being my friend. Yeah they liked me and thought by being my friend they could get with me.....haha NO!

It's hard. All i want are nice decent friends. I like having guy friends and feeling like you are protected or taken care of. They felt like big brothers. Call me naive and maybe even conceited, But i honestly didn't know they liked me. It's not like i'm some drop dead gorgeous chic or something. No, it's just plain old me.

It Sucks so bad. I hate it. It breaks your heart a little when someone you love like a big brother has feelings for you and then you have to tell them you don't feel the same way. aghhh..........the worst feeling in the world.

Honestly i'm tired of boys....or uhh.....men. It seems like they come with their own set of issues and drama as well. All i want is friendship. Nothing more....unless I tell you different.

Why does it seem like the ones you want to notice you never do, and the wants you don't want to notice you always do?

It's lame i'm telling you.

I might be done with guys.

Maybe.

Probably.

Most likely.

Idk.

Beautiful the mess we are.

Joy please come to me

the lonely dark is all i see

I want summer of life again 

laughter, flowers, love awakening from the dead

to drink once more of life I once had

Love please come back to me

fill the empty space they leave inside

light flow out of me you cannot hide

I want to feel again

desperate for what's lost

restitution does come at a cost

Innocence where did you go

I lost you and i didn't know

Come back to me those time again

The quiet whispers like the wind

Let it all out

trying so hard to keep it in

Come back to me the past 

Oh letting go the hardest task

Sweet misery upon me

won't you leave 

can't you see

i need to just be 

Falling apart 

I've made it an art

come now

i'm ready for a new start

I stole this  part below from an actual song by Amy Grant......and i can't forget it. It speaks to me. It's where i'm at right now........

We pour out our miseries

God just hears a melody

Beautiful the mess we are

The honest cries of breaking hearts

You don't even know...

I can't think

I can't breath

I can't see

You consume my thoughts

The only thought i can think of

I carry you through my day in my heart

Yeah the one that's slowly falling apart

I feel like your part of me

Even when we're worlds apart across the sea

I can't move

I can't sleep

I'm not functioning

I love you

Doesn't that mean something

I want you

Doesn't it count

I know I made a mistake

We both did

And it's making this heart ache

You have the power to change it though

So will you

Or will you ask me to go

This is scary

This is true pain

It's driving me insane

I didn't ask

You told me ok

Now i regret

Now the tears i try to swallow

There's a fork in our road

Now we have to choose where we will follow

Will you go with me

This is the place of your decision

I just want you to know when you go

It's hurting me so

You don't even know

You don't even know..

You don't even know...

Will you ever know....

I love you...

What if i'm falling in love with you?

Would you say that you are falling to?

My heart is yours to hold...

will you break it or will you carry it like the most precious treasure in the world? 

would you give me your heart in return?

If I gave you all of me.....

Would you give the same?

Would you drop everyone and let me be everything to you?

would you? 

Cause this heart loves you more than you know.

All I want in return is for you to love me enough to stay or let me go.

You don't have to ask me twice.

I know it's not a game.
Just don't want this to end in pain.

I don't know how you feel, but i care.

And I wish every day i could be there.

I'd love you till forever came to an end.

I won't lie to you or pretend

Cause this is real.

I love you.

I want to......

Love and love deeply

Laugh until i'm crying and my stomach hurts

Cry and let the tears wash it all away

Hurt and let the scars remind me of how far I've come

Fall and fall so hard I don't know if I'll ever get up again

Live everyday as if tomorrow won't come

Run to the edges of the earth

Rest in the one who made me

Risk it all because what's the point of life if I don't risk it all

Believe with all of my heart

Trust even when i'm scared to

Dream and let them carry me away

Reach for things I don't think are possible 

Rise steadily to the top (wherever that is)

Know that I do have a choice


Realize that I'm only human

Fight with everything I have

Burn with passion in/for everything

Pretend like everything's ok (it will be eventually and sometimes it's best for me)

Learn until my brain is overflowing

Remember but also forget

Listen and fully understand

FRUSTRATION!!!!!!!!!!!!

So today.....wait ok the last few days have been so frustrating for me. I mean like REALLY frustrating.
I guess we've reached that point in our trip where we are tired of rooming with each other, we're running low on funds, we're staying with people that aren't any fun and just want us to sit around in their cramped house and watch there kids! It's all driving me mad!!! I mean I'm not on vacation to watch peoples kids for them so they can be lazy. We're in florida and instead of spending our time on the beach we are spending it cleaning up after people and watching there kids! It makes me so mad......!!! We have reached the point where we can't really afford a hotel for all of us here. Especially since it's spring break! I kinda just want to pack up and go home! Even if it's only 50 degrees at home! WE went to the beach yesterday and today with the same family and all they did was complain! Making me wonder why the heck they came with us in the first place. I'm looking forward to tomorrow though. The Wood family is coming and we are going to spend the day with them. I pray everything goes smoothly and that we have tons of fun! We will I know we will.....our families just get along famously!

I've also been really nervous, scared, and frustrated about moving out from under my parents! It's the biggest thing I've ever done and it's exciting, but also scary for me! I'm looking forward to just being alone and enjoying my life, but at the same time I hate being alone. I'm scared of being by myself and being lonely. Or not being able to find a job with a steady income so i can support myself. I'm trying to place it all in Gods hands......that's always been my weakness though. I struggle so much with fully giving things over to God! I am such a logistical person, always needing to know all the facts and things before I do something. Trying to make sure everything will run smoothly. Honestly now that I think about it I sound kinda stupid. Like i'm trying to play God or something. I hate letting go of the control and letting someone else take the reigns.....even when that person is the creator of the universe!!! I know that He has everything though and ultimately I will be fine because he's holding me in His hands! What better place could I be in then that?
This year and even the past couple of years have been all about stretching and growing. I'm turning into an adult. Errrr.......as much as i'm going against it I have no choice but to give in.

I'm gonna go with the wind........just fly with it. Wash away like the tide...... just roll with it. And like a tornado.....i'm going to leave my mark..........just wait......just watch. I'm coming.

Oblivion.

I just want to disappear. To go away into oblivion. For no one to see or hear me. I just want to get lost. In a place unforgiving. It's not like you would care. Cause really you don't. You don't care enough to ask what's wrong with me. You don't think about me enough to actually know if i'm going through something. Basically you don't care. So what am I to do? You want me gone? Well I'm leaving. Not that it will solve anything. But at least i'll be gone right?

I'm not who you wanted. I'm not what you wanted me to be. So instead of caring you just act like everything is fine and leave it all for me to deal with. I can't go on like this. I ask if you love me, because I really don't know if you do. All my life my heart has been screaming for the truth. I just want you to care. I just want you to hold me. Why don't you see that? My guess is that you don't care. Sad thing is it's so true.

So what do I do......

I've carried this burden with me everywhere I go. I'm tired of holding it for you. I'm tired of being the responsible one. The one who has to have it al together. The oldest one. The one who can never show feelings because that shows weakness. I'm tired of living my life to please you. You don't even care! You don't see a thing I do. You always choose to see the bad in me. Maybe that's why I do the things I do. To get your attention. Call me immature and selfish......it doesn't matter to me. Cause I 'm just trying to get your attention. Apparently it's not working though. It's never worked. So i'm just running around in circles chasing after something that will never change.

I'm done. So i'm gonna disappear now. Into my own oblivion. I don't know if i'll be back. Cause it's not really worth the effort of returning.

I need You....... (words in brokeness)

I'm so confused right now. I have all these emotions washing over me like a tidal wave. I don't know what to feel. So many things going on in my life, and no one to really share them with. No one to understand.

What the heck am i doing? What is going on?  It's all a big mess.....that i got myself into. How did I get here.

My heart loves so strongly, and when it does it holds on so tightly.  As much as I love loving people, I feel like i'm always the one who get's hurt in the end. I don't know if it's a bad thing to love too easily, but somehow when I love someone they always end up breaking me. Tearing me apart.

Love. Hate. Sadness. Anger. Joy. Fear. Uncertainty. Relief. Heaviness. Comfort. Hurt.

All the things I am feeling and there are probably a ton more. I just want to be back to before all of this. But then I look back and I know that even then I wasn't ok...... So which is better?

No I'm not crazy, and i'm not going insane. I'm just a human that was blessed with a multitude of emotions. Just a being that was given senses that are sharper and feels things deeper than other people probably do.

I think right now at this moment I just have way too many things happening to me. And it's coming to realization with an outpour of emotions. I need someone to talk to. I need someone to hold me. I need God....I know I do. I know He hears me through everything, and is always with me. I just wish that He was in human form, to love me and be there for me when I need an ear to hear me, or a shoulder to cry on, or a body to hold me.

Life is coming at me crazy fast. It's a reality that is slapping me in the face. I'm 20 and I don't feel like i'm ready to be 20. I guess I really don't have the choice though. So i'm going to do it. I'm going to dive into this. I'm going to trust that God will catch me and hold me through it all.

I'm doing things I shouldn't. I'm giving my heart without thinking. I'm pushing away from it all. I'm slipping away. In a way I kind of like who I am....but I can see what and where I could be. It could go either way good or bad. I'm hanging in the balance.

Lead me down this winding road. Cause I'm stumbling blind through the darkness. And I'm dying here in a desert of lies,  drowning in the sorrow of losing tomorrow. What is this life. Will you find me in this wilderness, in a broken world where people inflict pain. Show your love to my face, and in my life restore your grace. I need you in this body, in this heart, please fill this space. Oh, amazing is your grace,  in my world, in reality of this prison, only you can take me away from. How I need you. Come and fill this space.

I want to be what You created me to be. I want Your love and everything You have for me. I love You.

God, I need You.